a puppy tail's tale

Once there was a curious little puppy that stays in a cozy little doghouse with his mom. Being an only pup, he learns almost every essential thing there is to learn from her.

One sunny day his mom told him to go and play on the grass. He obeyed in delight.

Running to and fro, he took delight in chasing little bugs and butterflies. When he grew tired, he was treated with a refreshing drink of water by his mom on the patio.

For the entire summer he enjoyed chasing things. He even learned that little kids enjoy throwing balls and sticks which he would then fetch and return. He gets little treats for doing so, like a cookie or a crunchy chip. Chasing things is rewarding, he learned.

And so to say, he enjoyed and mastered the art of chasing.

One night he asked his mom where happiness is. He got curious when he saw a poster that says I am in pursuit of happiness. The little pup is determined to chase it to, if only he could know where it is.

His mom said; it is in your tail.

When morning came, he went running into the grass and started chasing happiness, his tail.

But to no avail, he took the entire morning trying to chase and catch his happiness but he ended up tired and exhausted. At lunch, he asked his mom why he can’t catch his tail, his happiness.

His mom said simply; there is only one way to catch your happiness; stop chasing and move on, then your happiness would surely follow.

SONGS from a PIANO

The auditorium looks ghostly, just the way you like it.

It’s almost eight and I know in a while I would hear your songs again. Isn’t it funny, I don’t even know what those melodies are called, but just like you said in our Humanities class, music does communicate better when it’s left nude, I need not hear a word to understand that you have a heart that keeps many secrets, the music you play is enough.

I can still remember that day when you said that, you were seated at the back of the room, denim pants, white shirt and glasses on, you were like the coolest nerd I have ever seem. You were one of those guys, the ones whom I love to listen to in class, the ones that are so mysteriously sexy, sort of.

Since my past relationship, I have never fallen this deep – writing you letters for me to keep, watching you from afar, dreaming of holding your hands. Ah! You’re the biggest joy and pain that my heart had. But I know our situation, you, Adrian Chen, are a university jock, you’re one of those guys that girls here would go crazy for. And I am out of that league, probably nobody to you. We attended the same high school though, but aside from that, I have no other connection with you.

Kaya naman, for almost a month now, I have been doing this. It’s quite pathetic but lurking here at the backstage seems better than watching you play in front of a large audience, your songs here seem more real, more conversational, more meant besides I think there are some songs that you only play here.

These were the thoughts running on my head when I heard that voice, that familiar voice.

‘I would like it better if you stop lurking here, there’s a chair near the piano, I don’t mind having company’

For a moment, or maybe longer, I was speechless.

You know I watch you practice? – was my smartest response. Damn, I just admitted my crime.

‘Since day one’

Crap! He knows, since day one, that I have been sort of stalking him? My, my, I just want to melt and disappear.

But I had to face the situation, and him. I stood and turned around, faced him, who to my surprise was smiling, childlike – a rare thing.

But before I was able to say something, he took my hand. Adrian took my hand! I was breathless.

‘I need no explanations’ – ¬was the only thing he said before he offered me a seat, and played.

I was head over heels. He played ‘I will’ a Beatles classic, a song dear to my heart, a song though which I have never heard from him before.

I have a confession to make. – he said after the song.

To me? I asked.

Yes to you.

You know me? – was my confused response.

Since day one – he smiled, and looked at me in the eyes.

What do you mean? What’ll you confess?

He took a paper out of his pocket, looked at me and started to read.

The paper looked familiar, and I have known why when he started to read.

My T-shirt Guy,

Forgive me for looking at you, from afar.

Forgive me for dreaming of holding your hands.

Forgive me for loving you, hopelessly loving you…

He was not able to finish because I grabbed it off his hands. It was a blog post, at a blog that only my closest friends know, friends I know are not friends with him. Damn, I was really melting then; my eyes were befriending the floor already when he held my face.

Look at me.

I am not good with words, he said, that’s why I play the piano to say things. I play my songs here, where no one hears, where the one I have wrote it for isn’t around. Because just like you, I made sure I would not really be heard. But I was wronged, you were wronged. You have heard my songs, just like I have found your blog.

Confused, I whispered ‘I don’t get it.’ 

Before I fainted, I heard him say – Gab, I was looking at you first, from afar.

akap pa

Tila hindi ko na nababanaagan pa
ang ngiti sa iyong buwang maganda.
Malalim, tila sadyang kay lalim
yaong tinatantong lihim.
Nais bang talakayin pa?
O sadyang pagniniig ay kulang na
upang yaong sakit, yaong hapdi -
yaong mga luha’y tuluyang mapawi?

Kinikimkim, iniipo’t niyayakap mag isa,
subalit batid kong hindi na kaya pa.
Lumuha ma’y di na bumibitaw -
ang hapdi ay sadyang hayok, uhaw.

Batid kong nais mong lumaya,
nais mo’y minsan pa’y lumigaya.
Subalit, bakit sadayang kay hapdi, kay pait
sa tuwing ika’y madadarang, malalapit
sa ligayang, hatid sa takipsilim ay hapdi.

Nais mong muling ngumiti, sumaya.
Ngunit sadyang hirap kang bitawan na
- mga alaala’t kupas na larawan nya?
Kay hirap limutin, bumitaw pa
sa kahapon at mga bukas na sadyang wala na.

Nasi mo lang ibigin, at muling sumayaw.
Ngunit bakit sadya atang ang puso
Sa lipas na kahapon, di nais bumitaw?
Nais mo lang mahalin.
Nais mong magmahal,
Subalit yaon ay di magagawa
kung ang kahapon ay akap pa,
at kung sa sariling multo’y di lalaya.

----
Daybreak. 8/8/11
Brent Tzu

a story from the woods

I know a story from the woods.



A story that was never really told, so perhaps, it is not proper to call this the real story, but from the eyes of a wandering spy who once passed by the woods, let me tell you a story I have heard from the dears and the birds.



There was once an enchantress who all her life wished nothing else but happiness in her heart, a heart that was free, a heart that shares to so many others the happiness that she’s able to gather for herself. All her joys and her charm radiate in her humble little cave where many other creatures, wild and tamed, seek comfort and a home.

Many a few had once broken her heart, but hers is a free and loving heart that all the pains, together with the tears shed in the midnight rains, have all gone. There’s nothing else to seek, nothing else to fret for.



Until one day.


One day a little dwarf took refuge in the cave many-a-creatures have found comfort and home from.

The dwarf is not alike others, he’s more of a creature that laughs and silently cries all together. He’s that kind of a dwarf that knows to care but not to really show. He’s a sad little man because he doesn’t know he’s keeping sadness; as for you know, there’s only one way to rid one’s heart off of sadness and pain – that is, to let go. But he doesn’t, he just doesn’t know how. He says he’s afraid to hurt others thus he’ll keep them all to himself, not knowing though that he’s more afraid of hurting himself and that in the ways he has chosen, he hurt those he wish not to hurt – simply because he doesn’t know how to let go - and breathe. He doesn’t know much about forgiving himself as much as forgiving others.

But he’s a good little man, only afraid and lost.

That one day lead to a story of love, a kind of love that is not my business to name, a kind of love that every creature in the cave has had a name for, but who are they to know really, and who am I to meddle, too. In the end though, it is not dangerous to say that once, for once there lived love between.

But there were things to fix and the cave started to dim. The joy that selflessly radiates turned into a dark space that even the enchantress didn’t seem to have understood.
And so the ties were broken and the love, far more shattered.

This shattered far more the enchantress’ heart, a heart that once flies free has lost its tract. In her pain, and in the effort of the dwarf to not hurt her more by keeping to himself the pain, the enchantress turned herself into a bird – lost and seeking for brighter skies, under the guide of her beloved moon. The dwarf took his way, he took comfort in the schemes he’s been used of doing; he wished not to hurt her at all cost in the methods he knew – but it didn’t work, it doesn’t work. As for the universe is but a system, a thing never dies it only changes form, like the rivers and the rain, fire and smoke, passion and the cold, body and its soul, hurt and forgiving - even love, which might burn low but would never die.

Everything should be given away, not kept.

--------
So why did I share this story?
Because I have so loved the enchantress, that just like the dwarf, I wish to cause her no pain.
And now that she’s been slowly nestling somewhere safe, the past has turned into a ghost.

I wrote this in the hope that the enchantress, now a lost little bird sees that she’s slowly turning into a dwarf – afraid, always afraid to hurt herself. There’s nothing wrong in seeking comfort, but there is no comfort in the ‘caving in’ there’s no real joy in playing at the sidewalks; the past has slowly turned in the future, remember the universe doesn’t die, only turns and changes; perhaps this is the right time to face the fears you’ve always run away from.

Running away from the pain begets pain, hugging pain begets joy – you taught me that.

Remember that I love you, all of us loving you loves you , and we would eternally be here for you – in pain and in joy. Hugs+

MUNTIK [episode1.gitara]

Hindi ko alam kung bakit dinala ako ng mga paa ko ngayon dito.

Akalain mo yun, apat na istasyon din to mula sa bahay ah, muntik pa nga akong malingat, kung nagkaganun, sa Baclaran ang baksak ko.

Pero ano pa bang magagawa ko, heto’t nakaporma na, edi ituloy. Sayang din ang bagong Tshirt na binuhusan pa ata nila Mikel ng pabango’t halos malipat na sa case ng gitara ang amoy ko. Syempre pa, supportive sila. Matagal tagal din kaming nagkasama-sama sa Ateneo, hayskul pa lang tropa na kami.

Nakakatawa nga, sa LRT naisip ko dalwang taon na din pala yun. Mula nang mag USTE ang lokong yun, di na nagparamdam. Ni hindi man lang nagpoPoke sa Facebook. Huli kong kita sa kanya kasama nya si Abet sa Greenbelt. Buti pa silang dalawa, sa aming lima sila lang napahiwalay, at mukhang tumino. Pero sabagay, mula pa naman nung hayskul sila na yung pair, pareho kasing lalambot lambot. Kami naman nila Mikel at Nico ang angels nila, mga tagapagtangol daw. Parang tanga nga lang mga tao nun, pati kami pinagdududahan. Bakla daw kaming lima. Asar na asar ako nun, hindi naman nagbibihis babae si Drei, lalo na si Abet. Malambot, oo, pero hindi naman naging issue yun sa tropa. Mula nung freshman year kami, kami na ang tropa eh, although, kami ni Drei since fourth grade pa; tsaka wala naman akong nakitang mali.

Mas lalo ngayon, alam ko wala namang mali, lahat naman ng tao may karapatang magmahal at mahalin. Bakit ba kasi natakot ako nun…

Senior year nung unang nagparamdam si Drei, dyahe talaga yun. Nahihiya ako lalo’t pag may mga ibang nakakarinig. Sabi nya, pinopormahan nya daw ako, parang tanga.

Akala ko nun, biruan lang yun…
Pero bakit ganun…

Ewan, basta eto na to.

(Kumatok sa Unit nila Drei)

Drei: Sandali, sino yan?

‘Jason ‘to’ sabi ko.

Drei: O, himala, bakit andito ka, anything?

‘Basta makinig ka’
Sabay yapos sa gitara at hinanap ang mga nota…

‘May sikreto akong aaminin sa’yo
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam.
Ito’y isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…
Muntik na kitang minahal…
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na,
na sana nga ay tayong dalawa,
mga tanong mo’y iniwasan ko,
akala pagibig mo’y di totoo.
Di ko alam kung anong nangyari,
pag-ibig ko sa’yo’y di ko nasabi…’

Matagal tagal na katahimikan ang bumalot sa amin,
hanggang may mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ko ...

'mahal na kita Drei'

***
To be continued…

on life and love

ON LIFE…

I’m still feeling a little down, no, a lot down, haven’t been up that long up and damn, I am down again. Well, it’s not that biggie anymore, but, hell it did hurt. It’s like being served coke and fries in the middle of the night, with the craving, tapos out of the blue, when you were about to munch on it, poof, gone.

A certain company, reputable at that, came in Ateneo to scout for possible candidates for employment. I was not interested up until a friend told me it’s good, and hell yah, it’s really more than good. Anyway, so I attended the company talk, and did pretty well. At the end of the day I was like THE one, everybody else from the company knows my name, they call me on first name basis, I had my showtime during the talk and, tsong, I was handpicked by their VP, mind you VP for the whole wide world, even gave me the ‘see you soon’ phrase. I was a sure candidate – well, at least I thought so, and half of all the people inside the hall, including my friends, my counselor and many significant others.

Tapos, there came the short list – I was not part of it.

The reason? It’s all because I am a LEGAL MANAGEMENT major. WTF?! I mean, I get it, pero, paasa tsong, alam mo yung pakiramdam na, ayun na oh, tapos biglang pak, ouch, hindi pala.

Expectations suck, no, it kills. I have known that long before, but it just didn’t occur to me early this week. I guess tama ang friend ko, maybe their’s something even better, or maybe mas tama yung isa, reality check, maybe it’s but an experience meant to remind me of the word ‘humbling’.

One sad experience, but it taught me a lot 

ON LOVE…

I just fell in love with a picture.

My Aya came home with a Tinig Loyola Magazine early this week – it’s a good read. Whilst I was saddened by a certain thought about the possibility that what RYAN and I have is but fickle minded infatuation, I came upon this picture in such magazine, that, I don’t know, stirred something within.

There is this guy, wearing a yellow ‘XAVIER’ shirt, so I would assume he’s also an Atenista, only younger and is from Manila, he’s definitely cute, actually my concept of cute - naughty and nice, plus more.

I don’t know if it’s because he looks almost exactly like Alex (my first) or it’s because he’s just simply charming, that I have been drawn to him, to the point that I browsed the entire in the hope of finding his name somewhere, but to no avail. Ewan, parang tanga.

Surprises, they come in different packages, sometimes as expected, sometimes, as not.

Today, and in the days to come, I might seem weird to some – cause I also feel weird. I’m stressed, I’m pressured; I know that both, but more than that, I also feel like I don’t have the appetite anymore, tipong EAT PRAY LOVE, I just have to find my word siguro, because recently, I just wake up and merely wake up, no flames, no passion, no gusto, no nothing…

talking to the moon

I was searching for potential materials for my video for the upcoming love rendezvous when i encountered this picture.



wala lang, naalala lang kita :p

TIBOK

It all started with one broken heart, and I guess it would also end with another broken heart.

He, with a conked out heart, wanted some time to think, to breathe and maybe, to forget the pain. With the sun racing towards the horizon, the air started to feel colder, the bright day light slowly turned to bright orange and pink streaks, soon it turned dull, then velvet, sooner the street lamps started to flicker and served as the brightest light around. He was seated for hours that the motorcycle parked near has fallen asleep and the crickets started to chant.

She, with a searching heart, came with a book that comes with the title How to be really really HAPPY. She sat at the bench and for hours read the pages of the book until the sun raced towards the horizon, the air started to feel colder, the bright day light slowly turned to bright orange and pink streaks, soon it turned dull, then velvet, sooner the street lamps started to flicker and served as the brightest light around. She was seated for hours that her shoes had already fallen asleep and the crickets started to chant.

He soon met her. And she, met him halfway.
They’ve met on a windy twilight; this bench knows the entire story.

Soon, he was driving fast to the park and she would wait at the bench. He would cry his heart out, and she, would listen with her heart, slowly being filled up. He talks, she listens, up until the street lamps become the only brightest light around.

Soon, the bench smelled coffee, pizza came in too. It saw some smiles, soon, laughters.
And so, he found her, and she found him.

But alas, she found herself falling.

But, one day as they were seated at the bench, she came – came back.
She has never seen him that happy; but she, found herself never been sad but now.

He took the drooling motorbike, its engine, alive again, he rode off, with her.
And she, was left with her book and a memory.

Minsan, the heart beats with the wrong tune, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the song of love. Yakapin ang sakit, at hayaang tumibok ang puso. It’ll grow tired soon, and move on.

wishingstars

Tonight I am staying late, so late. For tonight I would wait for every falling star to pencil in her last descend. And for each and every star, I would whisper my heart’s desire.

Make him mine.

In every girl’s heart is her simple portrait of how prince Charming would look the first time their eyes meets. And you posses the exact visage I have painted long ago.

In every girl’s dream, there runs off on his horse the knight in his shining armor who would save the very damsel from her solitude. I know I saw you running off on your horse; it’s you I saw picking me up from my sober tears.

In every girl’s daydream, there smiles the MVP with his pink tulips and the love letter he’s been working on since the semester’s opening. It is you I saw holding those tulips and kiss sealed love letter.

Prince Charming is just everywhere. And in the real world of dreams come true, he’s also just about everywhere. But at the end of my stories, I am always reminded that happy ever afters are for real princesses, that prince Charming is for Cinderella - and Grazilda’s bound to find someone else.

It’s rare I feel like this, but knowing you makes me wish the impossible.

Sana, sana babae na lang ako.

10.10.10

yang mga matang yan

Kung sa kanya ka magiging masaya…
… dapat mawala na sya

Bitter.

Sabi ko naman…
Sana nga mawala na sya, ng makita niya na ako

Ewan ko ba…
Feeding na ha…

I like you; I like you more than just I like you.

Nagtatampisaw pa rin ako…
Kaso, nakatanaw ka pa din…
sa iba.

Sana lang mabaling, kahit minsan man lang, ang mga matang yan sa dako parito.
Titig na titig ka eh,
lumingon ka lang nang may makasalubong, makaniig naman ang mga mata yan.
Nakakangawit ding tumitig, alam ko alam mo…

Kelangan bang malunod muna ako, at sumigaw…
Para yang mga matang yan, akin naman.

03/03/2010