dreamt of YOU

19.04.2011

I woke up with a rather sad heart today, kasi naman just when you appeared in my dream early this morning, I was awakened by my stomach (the steroids I am taking requires me to poop, a lot these days) You were you’re usual you, makulit and being candid again because there was a camera, you pushed me and I bit your index, I think, you were doing that Korean hands again. You were wearing red Tee and a black pants, was on a Fedora hat too. I was about to lean on you when I was awaken, hai. I closed my eyes again in the hope to see you in my dream, but to no avail, my stomach’s really upset already.

Over breakfast, my phone provided a rather apt song, TONIGHT.
Then thoughts of you came, at this point in my life when I’m trying to figure out which roads to take, I think it’s cute that you are among the non-negotiable, mga hindi ipagpapalit. But I know though that this love would never be returned, I can only love you more than you can. Though I have to admit that inside, somewhere my little heart, I also pray for a ‘CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE’s ending. I have loved you in spite of, and I would continue to. But such same thing, loving me in spite of, I guess would be but a dream. You have plans of your own, and I am but a part of a joke, a cute little joke about people who have fallen for you.

It’s not anymore a secret that I do care, that like pSHONE, I have taken photos to keep too. Hindi ko lang alam kung tulad nya, kaya ko ding ibigay, well I mean, it’s figurative, but yah, telling you as in TELLING YOU, such is a hard thing to do lalo’t higit I don’t also know at what base I might land.

Hai. Anyhow, I love you and I have loved you more than you know. And it’s the only thing that I guess I would continue to do, habang nagiipon ako ng lakas ng loob to either tell you, or para lunurin din and kahibangang ito )

up

How do you know that you're simply infatuated from really falling?

The thought came to me on a relatively relaxed afternoon. I am on duty but the staff aren't around so I am practically spending time on a free ticking. Done with my task and objective for the day and its only a quarter past four. My thought's playing again.

I looked at your profile, even tried you chat box but to no avail.
I guess it's really over, the fire has died and my heart has to, again, and for the last time.

Every night I lay myself to sleep, wondering how warm you might be if only you're on my side. I sometimes cry the pain out, but only for the moment, for each time I see you y heart wouls gain be filled with that same excitement, with that same thirst for a hand to hold.

I used to think I don't deserve to cry for love's sake.
But when you finally closed the door – an act I took as a prelude to something better – of how stupid of me.

Now that the mirror has finally made me realize...
braise your self, as for when I wake up, when I get up out of this sulking...
you would wish you took me the moment I knocked.

… to be continued.

talking to the moon

I was searching for potential materials for my video for the upcoming love rendezvous when i encountered this picture.



wala lang, naalala lang kita :p

riding trains

Recently, I have been thinking of JaCo and his naivety – his disregarding obliviousness.

Tapos naisip ko, probably the oblivion of the heart is not because he’s emotionally dense. Maybe, he’s even smarter than I; probably even more forward in thinking about things and stuffs about life and loving. It sucks you know. For if there is one thing I have been good at, it’s on being honestly open about how I feel. Maybe not that direct, but I don’t just shut up nor merely implicate, I go beyond borders, sometimes even get tossed on board. I’m a love pup, a love dumb fool who falls every time the piano and the string play. I run chasing love songs and hastily hound my own Romeo and Juliet. I’m a hopeless romantic, so the cliché goes; been chasing love adventures.

But in the chase, I started trailing off.

One day I looked at the mirror and asked if there would really be someone out there who’d see me as fairest of them all, if not the knight in shining armor. My magic mirror said, NO – not now.
And he showed me why.

… to be continued

summer's gone

I remember meeting him through a friend. He was, hot - those eyes that kill and that angel curved smile and a sleeping child’s charm – they all just know how to melt anyone’s heart. Heard him talk the first time – and I think I have lost my heart then, probably went falling – hard, that it hurts.

For long I have not given much thought about him. He was my friend’s Coco – and damn it hurts! I thought; he’s one of those guys, sly enough not to fall unto my schemes. Indeed he was – and for that I loved him even more. But the more I do, the more I realize how fanciful my thoughts are. And so, I decided to park the feeling, kill the flame whilst it’s still not ablaze; bury the emotion while it hasn’t started to breathe full life.


For a while I didn’t hear of his Naruto and manga. He was not in my inbox anymore, not in my chat box too. And for quite some time now, I have not heard my heart call his name.

But today, the sun showed up.
After the longest of rains, the sun suddenly smiled and kissed the moist off my boulevard’s pavements.

I was seated near the window, stealing precious time off my duty hours, wandering how warm it was outside – and there came he, the once, I have hoped for, to be my sun, my warmest hug.

Walking with his pals, he still has that smile. He laughed, and I have known, he still is that same guy I have laughed, so hard, with at Lolo’s, the guy I have beheld peacefully sleep in his arms while calmly breathing life into my heart. I know he’s still the guy with the warmest hug. I am certain, he’s still that guy who took my hand and held it tight and that same guy with the loveliest of all eyes. He’s still that same guy who took my breath away – for quite a while.

The chair I was seating on started to feel overly comfortable as he stopped and stayed. He was at the landing of the stairs right next to the window – I had a good view, and he’s utterly oblivious of my peeking. For a while I was looking at him, fancy standing near him, laughing again, the way I have laughed that night at Lolos. I wish I am seated near him again listening to his Naruto. I dreamt of lying next to him who’s peacefully dozed on his arms, calming my heart with his every breath.

The sun was warm outside, but I felt warmer - inside my cold little alcove.

For a while, an apparition stayed right before my eyes, allowed me to dream again – even for a while.

But just like all phantoms, he soon faded with the smoke.

I don’t really know him anymore, he doesn’t do me either. I wish, though, I do, he does; that we still do.
He’s not so hard to like, even love – but not me, hindi madaling mahalin ang isang tulad ko. Sya na nga rin mismo nagsabi, I love you, but love isn’t enough.


Hindi nga ba? O sadyang duwag din sya.
None the less, he would always be my JaCo – and, I, a past forgotten.