kinse

Nais kong muling maging kinse.

Nais kong tumakbo sa ulan, maglaro ng patentero at magtaguan sa malamig na semento ng lungsod na ito. Muling gumamit ng backpack at sumakay sa likod ng pick-up truck, maligo sa kung saan resort pagkatapos ng klase. Nais kong sumuka sa gulong ng kotse, pumasok sa bintana kung gabi at matulog sa bahay ng kung sinong katoto. Mais kong maglaro ng video game sa computer shop tapos maubusan ng pamasahe pauwi.


Kumain ng ice cream sa tabi ng daan at mag habulan sa high way. Magmotor, kumarera at muling sumemplang sa kanto. Nais kong mag habulan sa loob ng imburnal na tuyo at maglaro ng holen sa kung saan my lupa. Gusto kong muling maging taya sa syato’t mapikon sa laro ng piko. Magka band aid sa siko matapos sumakay sa bisekletang walang brake.



Kumain ng fishball tapos barbeque bago manood ng liga sa barangay. Gusto kong muling mag gate crash sa JS ng public school na malapit sa bahay. Mag star gazing sa bubong at muling matakot bumaba sa hagdang gawa sa kawayan. Umakyat sa puno ng mangga at mag kunwaring marunong talaga. Nais kong mahigang muli sa bermuda sa elementary school tapos manood ng mga ulap na tumatakbo. Muling makipag-away sa pinsan kong sunog. Nais kong maligo sa poso tapos makipagbasaan ng tubig sa mga kalaro. Gusto kong muling magswimming sa pool ng kakilala matapos mag cut ng klase. Magdala ng portable DVD at manood ng mga scandal at magtawanan sa loob ng classroom. Magparamihan ng jokes sa celphone at muling mapagalitan ng librarian. Magkunwaring magreresearch pero Friendster pala inaatupag.



Tumakas papuntang Legaspi at mahuli ng teacher kong layas din. Kumupit para mabili ang gustong Tshirt. Mangapit bahay para manood ng pelikula at masarahan ng pinto kasi gabing gabi na. Nais kong muling sumubok mag skate, at sana’y di na muling mabalian ng kaliwang braso dahil sa sementadong rampa. Maglaro sa arcade at muling pagmasimple sa paghatak sa ticket. Bumili ng mga transferable tattoo at magyabang na henna ito. Maki share ng shower room sa best friend at subukang mag yosi. Gusto kong mag videoke, kumanta ng Westlife at ng Celine Dion. Pumunta ng riles at lumubog sa putikang fishpond. Pumuntang perya tapos umuwing walang pera. Gusto kong muling kiligin kasi flirt din sya, at lalo’t higit jacket lang ang suot nya. Gusto kong magsimba kasi wala lang. Kumain ng goto pagkatapos ng klase sa gilid ng paradahan ng jeep, o di kaya’y dumayo sa may central para lang sa shake at halo-halo. Gusto kong muling mag round the bottle.

Nais kong muling maging kinse.
Hindi pa naman ganun matagal ang limang taong lumipas, ngunit bakit tila kay tagal na?

Nais kong muling maglaro, nais kong muling maging kinse.

leave this town

I would be packing my bags when the morning comes.

Funny; as I sit now, I really feel something strange, I don’t know what to call it, but I am certain, it’s telling me to postpone my plans. Sort of, telling me to stay. I remember writing my heart out then that I feel like I don’t have a home, that I am some kind of homeless guy that jumps from house to house. Tonight, I am very certain that I am taking all those back. I have a home, I am home.

But when the morning comes, I would be leaving this town.

Leave this town – the one thing that I have always wanted to do, and for quite some time I have been able to – and soon again, would. I would be heading back to Naga by lunch tomorrow - and from there, I would try to sort things out.



The past few months have been a hell of a ride, I have been tossed around life’s little corners. The rough time is over and now is when the rainbow is about to shine. And now it’s time that I jump back, I would be leaving this town and seek some adventure.

Time has been able to give me space. Time and this town have made things a little clearer; have given me a better perspective.

I am leaving this town, but unlike the last, I would be leaving now with a happy heart and a soul that would always want to fly back. Though I may find yet another home sometime somewhere, this town would always have a special place in my heart.

Home is this town, and this town’s too good to leave – but it’s time.

It’s time to leave the nest.
It’s time to leave this town.

___________________________

June 16, 2011
in this town.

TURN OF EVENTS

I guess this would be the first time I would talk about this, with a sober soul.

It’s an open book; my recent ordeal has been an open history to most of you. But I guess there were things that I have been able to keep really, thoughts that I have chosen to be dear to me first. To admit, writing this now feels like telling the story for the first time, for to speak, those I have written in between the moment I have learned my condition and this, are I guess but driven by my overwhelmed soul and weary little heart.

Time has finally lapsed and I think so did the pain, and the humbling feeling of defeat.
Now that I’m (sort of) back to my feet again, let me tell you my story…

I have been diagnosed with Uveitis late last year, an eye disorder that affects about 2 million and three hundred thousand plus people in the entire world, that translates to 15 cases per hundred thousand population – a rare case in deed. What are the odds, there are how many billion people in the world and there are how many possible reasons to have contracted this thing – and the universe conspired to give it to me. I didn’t went through the usual WHY ME episodes, but I did went through that phase that I had to convince myself that I am okay, that I would be okay – all because that’s the only possible relief. It was surreal, the case didn’t sink upon me in one drop, I was rather full of hope (and am still) most of the time. There were times though that reality bites, that possibilities and real life repercussions of my condition flash, and those moments were just unbearable. I mean, I have a future ahead, bright and clear, and all of a sudden, things turned blur.

In spite of those though, healing came in many forms. The condition that I have been in (and still at) made me reevaluate my life, looked at it from many proportions and realized the many things I did wrong, that I am doing wrong; things I did right, am doing right, dreams I have and the possibility of making them come true. I have lost my left eye, but in return I have gained new and better perspectives. Despite the vague images ahead, I know God has only given me this to ‘shake and wake me up’; He’s always been there and having found a Harvard trained doctor and a benefactor who has pledged monetary help without asking anything in return, I think is enough proof that Manoy is just but working on me – for the better. I have never had full confidence in saying ‘thy will be done’, just until now. In the coming days (two years actually) I would go through Chemotherapy in the hope to counter the infection that caused the vision loss – and if God permits, hope (and I really pray for this) to at most restore a 20/70 vision. Possibility of going through eye operation(s) and laser treatments are also at hand, but I am one with my doctor in praying that the condition be fully battled with meds alone.

Life has its ways of reminding us how fickle minded we can be, how self absorbed and earthbound our desires could become, I guess mine’s this. I went overboard more than once in my life, took myself for granted and seen no boundaries for myself, but nature has its ways of reminding us that there’s a greater order that we must follow. During the PCSV training this summer, I guess I introduced a new word to the group – repercussions. I was reminded of the same word.

More than ever, I see more value in me now, more respect and hope.
More than just TURN of EVENTS, I guess this phase also means a turn of my LIFE 

with much hope and trust, and love in my heart…
the little wonderer would continue to wander :))
19.04.2011

on life and love

ON LIFE…

I’m still feeling a little down, no, a lot down, haven’t been up that long up and damn, I am down again. Well, it’s not that biggie anymore, but, hell it did hurt. It’s like being served coke and fries in the middle of the night, with the craving, tapos out of the blue, when you were about to munch on it, poof, gone.

A certain company, reputable at that, came in Ateneo to scout for possible candidates for employment. I was not interested up until a friend told me it’s good, and hell yah, it’s really more than good. Anyway, so I attended the company talk, and did pretty well. At the end of the day I was like THE one, everybody else from the company knows my name, they call me on first name basis, I had my showtime during the talk and, tsong, I was handpicked by their VP, mind you VP for the whole wide world, even gave me the ‘see you soon’ phrase. I was a sure candidate – well, at least I thought so, and half of all the people inside the hall, including my friends, my counselor and many significant others.

Tapos, there came the short list – I was not part of it.

The reason? It’s all because I am a LEGAL MANAGEMENT major. WTF?! I mean, I get it, pero, paasa tsong, alam mo yung pakiramdam na, ayun na oh, tapos biglang pak, ouch, hindi pala.

Expectations suck, no, it kills. I have known that long before, but it just didn’t occur to me early this week. I guess tama ang friend ko, maybe their’s something even better, or maybe mas tama yung isa, reality check, maybe it’s but an experience meant to remind me of the word ‘humbling’.

One sad experience, but it taught me a lot 

ON LOVE…

I just fell in love with a picture.

My Aya came home with a Tinig Loyola Magazine early this week – it’s a good read. Whilst I was saddened by a certain thought about the possibility that what RYAN and I have is but fickle minded infatuation, I came upon this picture in such magazine, that, I don’t know, stirred something within.

There is this guy, wearing a yellow ‘XAVIER’ shirt, so I would assume he’s also an Atenista, only younger and is from Manila, he’s definitely cute, actually my concept of cute - naughty and nice, plus more.

I don’t know if it’s because he looks almost exactly like Alex (my first) or it’s because he’s just simply charming, that I have been drawn to him, to the point that I browsed the entire in the hope of finding his name somewhere, but to no avail. Ewan, parang tanga.

Surprises, they come in different packages, sometimes as expected, sometimes, as not.

Today, and in the days to come, I might seem weird to some – cause I also feel weird. I’m stressed, I’m pressured; I know that both, but more than that, I also feel like I don’t have the appetite anymore, tipong EAT PRAY LOVE, I just have to find my word siguro, because recently, I just wake up and merely wake up, no flames, no passion, no gusto, no nothing…

today my life begins

the storm's about to end and a new day comes...


I say a little prayer of thanks, especially to those who whispered a line of two for me, and i beg forgiveness from those whom I have, for a while, hurt - meant or not.

hugs.