TURN OF EVENTS

I guess this would be the first time I would talk about this, with a sober soul.

It’s an open book; my recent ordeal has been an open history to most of you. But I guess there were things that I have been able to keep really, thoughts that I have chosen to be dear to me first. To admit, writing this now feels like telling the story for the first time, for to speak, those I have written in between the moment I have learned my condition and this, are I guess but driven by my overwhelmed soul and weary little heart.

Time has finally lapsed and I think so did the pain, and the humbling feeling of defeat.
Now that I’m (sort of) back to my feet again, let me tell you my story…

I have been diagnosed with Uveitis late last year, an eye disorder that affects about 2 million and three hundred thousand plus people in the entire world, that translates to 15 cases per hundred thousand population – a rare case in deed. What are the odds, there are how many billion people in the world and there are how many possible reasons to have contracted this thing – and the universe conspired to give it to me. I didn’t went through the usual WHY ME episodes, but I did went through that phase that I had to convince myself that I am okay, that I would be okay – all because that’s the only possible relief. It was surreal, the case didn’t sink upon me in one drop, I was rather full of hope (and am still) most of the time. There were times though that reality bites, that possibilities and real life repercussions of my condition flash, and those moments were just unbearable. I mean, I have a future ahead, bright and clear, and all of a sudden, things turned blur.

In spite of those though, healing came in many forms. The condition that I have been in (and still at) made me reevaluate my life, looked at it from many proportions and realized the many things I did wrong, that I am doing wrong; things I did right, am doing right, dreams I have and the possibility of making them come true. I have lost my left eye, but in return I have gained new and better perspectives. Despite the vague images ahead, I know God has only given me this to ‘shake and wake me up’; He’s always been there and having found a Harvard trained doctor and a benefactor who has pledged monetary help without asking anything in return, I think is enough proof that Manoy is just but working on me – for the better. I have never had full confidence in saying ‘thy will be done’, just until now. In the coming days (two years actually) I would go through Chemotherapy in the hope to counter the infection that caused the vision loss – and if God permits, hope (and I really pray for this) to at most restore a 20/70 vision. Possibility of going through eye operation(s) and laser treatments are also at hand, but I am one with my doctor in praying that the condition be fully battled with meds alone.

Life has its ways of reminding us how fickle minded we can be, how self absorbed and earthbound our desires could become, I guess mine’s this. I went overboard more than once in my life, took myself for granted and seen no boundaries for myself, but nature has its ways of reminding us that there’s a greater order that we must follow. During the PCSV training this summer, I guess I introduced a new word to the group – repercussions. I was reminded of the same word.

More than ever, I see more value in me now, more respect and hope.
More than just TURN of EVENTS, I guess this phase also means a turn of my LIFE 

with much hope and trust, and love in my heart…
the little wonderer would continue to wander :))
19.04.2011