at pagkatapos...

just when i needed some around...
no one came, as usual.

i woke up today being yelp at, at sa lahat ng tao, sya pa.

alam mo yung pakiramadam when you wake up in the morning, the first few seconds when you open your eyes and the world has not yet sink in? hindi ba that very monet seems a blessing, tipong the first taste of the day would be peace and quite, of joy and everything good - what a good day to start any day - everyday. but that doesn't exist in my world lately. pagod akong gumising, minsan i just don't want rise anymore minsan ganun.

today i was reminded again of my role, of the role i have to play. oh god i wish i have other choices. sa buong buhay ko hindi pa sa akin naisusumbat, maski nung taong may karapatang gawin yun, ang estado ko ngayon. i was a bullshit! i felt so crappy and belittled and so small and so helpless. i have lived my life, 20 years of my life being me, being the person that i am, tapos today, ipapamukha nya that wala akong karapatang ankinin ang sarili kong oras, ang sarili kong choices. bullshit, putang ina nya.

i don't deserve the slightest of how she treats me.
today i am supposed to post the blog i have written about ACCEPTING...
but i guess more than that, kailangan ko din lumaban.

my mom used to call me home to protect me from the bullies when i was a kid...
but now that she's gone, i can only run to where i can be alone - and cry.

for now, yayakapin ko ang lahat not because i love them so much it has to hurt, but because i love myself and i know i have to endure this for the next two months...

at pagkatapos...
God knows.