Showing posts with label brent tzu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brent tzu. Show all posts
Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
turning of AGE
there are things that we wish to turn upside down...
my dawning of age... nAH/.
reach me here too :))
http://behindtheseshades.wordpress.com/
my dawning of age... nAH/.
reach me here too :))
http://behindtheseshades.wordpress.com/
Sunday, August 7, 2011
akap pa
Tila hindi ko na nababanaagan pa
ang ngiti sa iyong buwang maganda.
Malalim, tila sadyang kay lalim
yaong tinatantong lihim.
Nais bang talakayin pa?
O sadyang pagniniig ay kulang na
upang yaong sakit, yaong hapdi -
yaong mga luha’y tuluyang mapawi?
Kinikimkim, iniipo’t niyayakap mag isa,
subalit batid kong hindi na kaya pa.
Lumuha ma’y di na bumibitaw -
ang hapdi ay sadyang hayok, uhaw.
Batid kong nais mong lumaya,
nais mo’y minsan pa’y lumigaya.
Subalit, bakit sadayang kay hapdi, kay pait
sa tuwing ika’y madadarang, malalapit
sa ligayang, hatid sa takipsilim ay hapdi.
Nais mong muling ngumiti, sumaya.
Ngunit sadyang hirap kang bitawan na
- mga alaala’t kupas na larawan nya?
Kay hirap limutin, bumitaw pa
sa kahapon at mga bukas na sadyang wala na.
Nasi mo lang ibigin, at muling sumayaw.
Ngunit bakit sadya atang ang puso
Sa lipas na kahapon, di nais bumitaw?
Nais mo lang mahalin.
Nais mong magmahal,
Subalit yaon ay di magagawa
kung ang kahapon ay akap pa,
at kung sa sariling multo’y di lalaya.
----
Daybreak. 8/8/11
Brent Tzu
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
dying young
dying young
I find it quite funny (and cute) when the nurses and medical staffs at the Legazpi Eye Center ( Bicol Acces Health, too) give their remarks that I’m too young – for my eye condition.
Funny how we associate old age with degeneration, I mean, yah, ganun naman talaga – we’re born and we’d die – the life lived in between does the difference but it’s just sweet (and weird), you know, being regarded na bata pa – as if telling me that ‘hey you still have things to do – a lot’. Alam mo yun, parang everybody’s got an idea on how to run my life; that I have a lot to offer – and to see.
Fairness, tama sila.
I used to not really understand the context of Veronica in Veronica Decides to Die (a Coelho novel) – but now, I do; while everything else is at its best fit and place – why not bid the world goodbye. I mean, I don’t know if epekto ulit ito ng ‘happyPILL’ ko, but everything seem right again – at kung mamamatay ka, hindi ba’t you’d rather choose the time when things are perfect.
Pero kahit ganun, naiintindihan ko man si Veronica, I really wouldn’t want to die - young . Not this young, not now.
I have been praying for healing – and I can feel that Manoy’s listening. I’m healing and learning lessons to keep on the way; I think ito naman talaga ang purpose as to why I am going through this.
-----
Journal entry ko the night before my CheckUp
7/27
*disambiguation: threat of CANCER or HIV is low – and improbable (already)
----
While was deciding to whether I’m going to post it or not, naalala ko that from now on I wish no more secrets (sort of) no more sides and blind sides kaya I just thought, perhaps, it’s time I embrace this new grace.
dreaming&praying. working life out.
I find it quite funny (and cute) when the nurses and medical staffs at the Legazpi Eye Center ( Bicol Acces Health, too) give their remarks that I’m too young – for my eye condition.
Funny how we associate old age with degeneration, I mean, yah, ganun naman talaga – we’re born and we’d die – the life lived in between does the difference but it’s just sweet (and weird), you know, being regarded na bata pa – as if telling me that ‘hey you still have things to do – a lot’. Alam mo yun, parang everybody’s got an idea on how to run my life; that I have a lot to offer – and to see.
Fairness, tama sila.
I used to not really understand the context of Veronica in Veronica Decides to Die (a Coelho novel) – but now, I do; while everything else is at its best fit and place – why not bid the world goodbye. I mean, I don’t know if epekto ulit ito ng ‘happyPILL’ ko, but everything seem right again – at kung mamamatay ka, hindi ba’t you’d rather choose the time when things are perfect.
Pero kahit ganun, naiintindihan ko man si Veronica, I really wouldn’t want to die - young . Not this young, not now.
I have been praying for healing – and I can feel that Manoy’s listening. I’m healing and learning lessons to keep on the way; I think ito naman talaga ang purpose as to why I am going through this.
-----
Journal entry ko the night before my CheckUp
7/27
*disambiguation: threat of CANCER or HIV is low – and improbable (already)
----
While was deciding to whether I’m going to post it or not, naalala ko that from now on I wish no more secrets (sort of) no more sides and blind sides kaya I just thought, perhaps, it’s time I embrace this new grace.
dreaming&praying. working life out.
dying young
dying young
I find it quite funny (and cute) when the nurses and medical staffs at the Legazpi Eye Center ( Bicol Acces Health, too) give their remarks that I’m too young – for my eye condition.
Funny how we associate old age with degeneration, I mean, yah, ganun naman talaga – we’re born and we’d die – the life lived in between does the difference but it’s just sweet (and weird), you know, being regarded na bata pa – as if telling me that ‘hey you still have things to do – a lot’. Alam mo yun, parang everybody’s got an idea on how to run my life; that I have a lot to offer – and to see.
Fairness, tama sila.
I used to not really understand the context of Veronica in Veronica Decides to Die (a Coelho novel) – but now, I do; while everything else is at its best fit and place – why not bid the world goodbye. I mean, I don’t know if epekto ulit ito ng ‘happyPILL’ ko, but everything seem right again – at kung mamamatay ka, hindi ba’t you’d rather choose the time when things are perfect.
Pero kahit ganun, naiintindihan ko man si Veronica, I really wouldn’t want to die - young . Not this young, not now.
I have been praying for healing – and I can feel that Manoy’s listening. I’m healing and learning lessons to keep on the way; I think ito naman talaga ang purpose as to why I am going through this.
-----
Journal entry ko the night before my CheckUp
7/27
*disambiguation: threat of CANCER or HIV is low – and improbable (already)
----
While was deciding to whether I’m going to post it or not, naalala ko that from now on I wish no more secrets (sort of) no more sides and blind sides kaya I just thought, perhaps, it’s time I embrace this new grace.
dreaming&praying. working life out.
I find it quite funny (and cute) when the nurses and medical staffs at the Legazpi Eye Center ( Bicol Acces Health, too) give their remarks that I’m too young – for my eye condition.
Funny how we associate old age with degeneration, I mean, yah, ganun naman talaga – we’re born and we’d die – the life lived in between does the difference but it’s just sweet (and weird), you know, being regarded na bata pa – as if telling me that ‘hey you still have things to do – a lot’. Alam mo yun, parang everybody’s got an idea on how to run my life; that I have a lot to offer – and to see.
Fairness, tama sila.
I used to not really understand the context of Veronica in Veronica Decides to Die (a Coelho novel) – but now, I do; while everything else is at its best fit and place – why not bid the world goodbye. I mean, I don’t know if epekto ulit ito ng ‘happyPILL’ ko, but everything seem right again – at kung mamamatay ka, hindi ba’t you’d rather choose the time when things are perfect.
Pero kahit ganun, naiintindihan ko man si Veronica, I really wouldn’t want to die - young . Not this young, not now.
I have been praying for healing – and I can feel that Manoy’s listening. I’m healing and learning lessons to keep on the way; I think ito naman talaga ang purpose as to why I am going through this.
-----
Journal entry ko the night before my CheckUp
7/27
*disambiguation: threat of CANCER or HIV is low – and improbable (already)
----
While was deciding to whether I’m going to post it or not, naalala ko that from now on I wish no more secrets (sort of) no more sides and blind sides kaya I just thought, perhaps, it’s time I embrace this new grace.
dreaming&praying. working life out.
Friday, July 22, 2011
a story from the woods
I know a story from the woods.
A story that was never really told, so perhaps, it is not proper to call this the real story, but from the eyes of a wandering spy who once passed by the woods, let me tell you a story I have heard from the dears and the birds.
There was once an enchantress who all her life wished nothing else but happiness in her heart, a heart that was free, a heart that shares to so many others the happiness that she’s able to gather for herself. All her joys and her charm radiate in her humble little cave where many other creatures, wild and tamed, seek comfort and a home.
Many a few had once broken her heart, but hers is a free and loving heart that all the pains, together with the tears shed in the midnight rains, have all gone. There’s nothing else to seek, nothing else to fret for.
Until one day.
One day a little dwarf took refuge in the cave many-a-creatures have found comfort and home from.
The dwarf is not alike others, he’s more of a creature that laughs and silently cries all together. He’s that kind of a dwarf that knows to care but not to really show. He’s a sad little man because he doesn’t know he’s keeping sadness; as for you know, there’s only one way to rid one’s heart off of sadness and pain – that is, to let go. But he doesn’t, he just doesn’t know how. He says he’s afraid to hurt others thus he’ll keep them all to himself, not knowing though that he’s more afraid of hurting himself and that in the ways he has chosen, he hurt those he wish not to hurt – simply because he doesn’t know how to let go - and breathe. He doesn’t know much about forgiving himself as much as forgiving others.
But he’s a good little man, only afraid and lost.
That one day lead to a story of love, a kind of love that is not my business to name, a kind of love that every creature in the cave has had a name for, but who are they to know really, and who am I to meddle, too. In the end though, it is not dangerous to say that once, for once there lived love between.
But there were things to fix and the cave started to dim. The joy that selflessly radiates turned into a dark space that even the enchantress didn’t seem to have understood.
And so the ties were broken and the love, far more shattered.
This shattered far more the enchantress’ heart, a heart that once flies free has lost its tract. In her pain, and in the effort of the dwarf to not hurt her more by keeping to himself the pain, the enchantress turned herself into a bird – lost and seeking for brighter skies, under the guide of her beloved moon. The dwarf took his way, he took comfort in the schemes he’s been used of doing; he wished not to hurt her at all cost in the methods he knew – but it didn’t work, it doesn’t work. As for the universe is but a system, a thing never dies it only changes form, like the rivers and the rain, fire and smoke, passion and the cold, body and its soul, hurt and forgiving - even love, which might burn low but would never die.
Everything should be given away, not kept.
--------
So why did I share this story?
Because I have so loved the enchantress, that just like the dwarf, I wish to cause her no pain.
And now that she’s been slowly nestling somewhere safe, the past has turned into a ghost.
I wrote this in the hope that the enchantress, now a lost little bird sees that she’s slowly turning into a dwarf – afraid, always afraid to hurt herself. There’s nothing wrong in seeking comfort, but there is no comfort in the ‘caving in’ there’s no real joy in playing at the sidewalks; the past has slowly turned in the future, remember the universe doesn’t die, only turns and changes; perhaps this is the right time to face the fears you’ve always run away from.
Running away from the pain begets pain, hugging pain begets joy – you taught me that.
Remember that I love you, all of us loving you loves you , and we would eternally be here for you – in pain and in joy. Hugs+
A story that was never really told, so perhaps, it is not proper to call this the real story, but from the eyes of a wandering spy who once passed by the woods, let me tell you a story I have heard from the dears and the birds.
There was once an enchantress who all her life wished nothing else but happiness in her heart, a heart that was free, a heart that shares to so many others the happiness that she’s able to gather for herself. All her joys and her charm radiate in her humble little cave where many other creatures, wild and tamed, seek comfort and a home.
Many a few had once broken her heart, but hers is a free and loving heart that all the pains, together with the tears shed in the midnight rains, have all gone. There’s nothing else to seek, nothing else to fret for.
Until one day.
One day a little dwarf took refuge in the cave many-a-creatures have found comfort and home from.
The dwarf is not alike others, he’s more of a creature that laughs and silently cries all together. He’s that kind of a dwarf that knows to care but not to really show. He’s a sad little man because he doesn’t know he’s keeping sadness; as for you know, there’s only one way to rid one’s heart off of sadness and pain – that is, to let go. But he doesn’t, he just doesn’t know how. He says he’s afraid to hurt others thus he’ll keep them all to himself, not knowing though that he’s more afraid of hurting himself and that in the ways he has chosen, he hurt those he wish not to hurt – simply because he doesn’t know how to let go - and breathe. He doesn’t know much about forgiving himself as much as forgiving others.
But he’s a good little man, only afraid and lost.
That one day lead to a story of love, a kind of love that is not my business to name, a kind of love that every creature in the cave has had a name for, but who are they to know really, and who am I to meddle, too. In the end though, it is not dangerous to say that once, for once there lived love between.
But there were things to fix and the cave started to dim. The joy that selflessly radiates turned into a dark space that even the enchantress didn’t seem to have understood.
And so the ties were broken and the love, far more shattered.
This shattered far more the enchantress’ heart, a heart that once flies free has lost its tract. In her pain, and in the effort of the dwarf to not hurt her more by keeping to himself the pain, the enchantress turned herself into a bird – lost and seeking for brighter skies, under the guide of her beloved moon. The dwarf took his way, he took comfort in the schemes he’s been used of doing; he wished not to hurt her at all cost in the methods he knew – but it didn’t work, it doesn’t work. As for the universe is but a system, a thing never dies it only changes form, like the rivers and the rain, fire and smoke, passion and the cold, body and its soul, hurt and forgiving - even love, which might burn low but would never die.
Everything should be given away, not kept.
--------
So why did I share this story?
Because I have so loved the enchantress, that just like the dwarf, I wish to cause her no pain.
And now that she’s been slowly nestling somewhere safe, the past has turned into a ghost.
I wrote this in the hope that the enchantress, now a lost little bird sees that she’s slowly turning into a dwarf – afraid, always afraid to hurt herself. There’s nothing wrong in seeking comfort, but there is no comfort in the ‘caving in’ there’s no real joy in playing at the sidewalks; the past has slowly turned in the future, remember the universe doesn’t die, only turns and changes; perhaps this is the right time to face the fears you’ve always run away from.
Running away from the pain begets pain, hugging pain begets joy – you taught me that.
Remember that I love you, all of us loving you loves you , and we would eternally be here for you – in pain and in joy. Hugs+
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
MUNTIK [episode1.gitara]
Hindi ko alam kung bakit dinala ako ng mga paa ko ngayon dito.
Akalain mo yun, apat na istasyon din to mula sa bahay ah, muntik pa nga akong malingat, kung nagkaganun, sa Baclaran ang baksak ko.
Pero ano pa bang magagawa ko, heto’t nakaporma na, edi ituloy. Sayang din ang bagong Tshirt na binuhusan pa ata nila Mikel ng pabango’t halos malipat na sa case ng gitara ang amoy ko. Syempre pa, supportive sila. Matagal tagal din kaming nagkasama-sama sa Ateneo, hayskul pa lang tropa na kami.
Nakakatawa nga, sa LRT naisip ko dalwang taon na din pala yun. Mula nang mag USTE ang lokong yun, di na nagparamdam. Ni hindi man lang nagpoPoke sa Facebook. Huli kong kita sa kanya kasama nya si Abet sa Greenbelt. Buti pa silang dalawa, sa aming lima sila lang napahiwalay, at mukhang tumino. Pero sabagay, mula pa naman nung hayskul sila na yung pair, pareho kasing lalambot lambot. Kami naman nila Mikel at Nico ang angels nila, mga tagapagtangol daw. Parang tanga nga lang mga tao nun, pati kami pinagdududahan. Bakla daw kaming lima. Asar na asar ako nun, hindi naman nagbibihis babae si Drei, lalo na si Abet. Malambot, oo, pero hindi naman naging issue yun sa tropa. Mula nung freshman year kami, kami na ang tropa eh, although, kami ni Drei since fourth grade pa; tsaka wala naman akong nakitang mali.
Mas lalo ngayon, alam ko wala namang mali, lahat naman ng tao may karapatang magmahal at mahalin. Bakit ba kasi natakot ako nun…
Senior year nung unang nagparamdam si Drei, dyahe talaga yun. Nahihiya ako lalo’t pag may mga ibang nakakarinig. Sabi nya, pinopormahan nya daw ako, parang tanga.
Akala ko nun, biruan lang yun…
Pero bakit ganun…
Ewan, basta eto na to.
(Kumatok sa Unit nila Drei)
Drei: Sandali, sino yan?
‘Jason ‘to’ sabi ko.
Drei: O, himala, bakit andito ka, anything?
‘Basta makinig ka’
Sabay yapos sa gitara at hinanap ang mga nota…
‘May sikreto akong aaminin sa’yo
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam.
Ito’y isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…
Muntik na kitang minahal…
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na,
na sana nga ay tayong dalawa,
mga tanong mo’y iniwasan ko,
akala pagibig mo’y di totoo.
Di ko alam kung anong nangyari,
pag-ibig ko sa’yo’y di ko nasabi…’
Matagal tagal na katahimikan ang bumalot sa amin,
hanggang may mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ko ...
'mahal na kita Drei'
***
To be continued…
Akalain mo yun, apat na istasyon din to mula sa bahay ah, muntik pa nga akong malingat, kung nagkaganun, sa Baclaran ang baksak ko.
Pero ano pa bang magagawa ko, heto’t nakaporma na, edi ituloy. Sayang din ang bagong Tshirt na binuhusan pa ata nila Mikel ng pabango’t halos malipat na sa case ng gitara ang amoy ko. Syempre pa, supportive sila. Matagal tagal din kaming nagkasama-sama sa Ateneo, hayskul pa lang tropa na kami.
Nakakatawa nga, sa LRT naisip ko dalwang taon na din pala yun. Mula nang mag USTE ang lokong yun, di na nagparamdam. Ni hindi man lang nagpoPoke sa Facebook. Huli kong kita sa kanya kasama nya si Abet sa Greenbelt. Buti pa silang dalawa, sa aming lima sila lang napahiwalay, at mukhang tumino. Pero sabagay, mula pa naman nung hayskul sila na yung pair, pareho kasing lalambot lambot. Kami naman nila Mikel at Nico ang angels nila, mga tagapagtangol daw. Parang tanga nga lang mga tao nun, pati kami pinagdududahan. Bakla daw kaming lima. Asar na asar ako nun, hindi naman nagbibihis babae si Drei, lalo na si Abet. Malambot, oo, pero hindi naman naging issue yun sa tropa. Mula nung freshman year kami, kami na ang tropa eh, although, kami ni Drei since fourth grade pa; tsaka wala naman akong nakitang mali.
Mas lalo ngayon, alam ko wala namang mali, lahat naman ng tao may karapatang magmahal at mahalin. Bakit ba kasi natakot ako nun…
Senior year nung unang nagparamdam si Drei, dyahe talaga yun. Nahihiya ako lalo’t pag may mga ibang nakakarinig. Sabi nya, pinopormahan nya daw ako, parang tanga.
Akala ko nun, biruan lang yun…
Pero bakit ganun…
Ewan, basta eto na to.
(Kumatok sa Unit nila Drei)
Drei: Sandali, sino yan?
‘Jason ‘to’ sabi ko.
Drei: O, himala, bakit andito ka, anything?
‘Basta makinig ka’
Sabay yapos sa gitara at hinanap ang mga nota…
‘May sikreto akong aaminin sa’yo
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam.
Ito’y isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…
Muntik na kitang minahal…
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na,
na sana nga ay tayong dalawa,
mga tanong mo’y iniwasan ko,
akala pagibig mo’y di totoo.
Di ko alam kung anong nangyari,
pag-ibig ko sa’yo’y di ko nasabi…’
Matagal tagal na katahimikan ang bumalot sa amin,
hanggang may mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ko ...
'mahal na kita Drei'
***
To be continued…
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
lesson from my fingers
The hand has five fingers, that is, if you are normal...
you can count one to five with a hand's fingers, but that's not the point today.
I have had recently come across an article by Paulo Coelho written some four or five years ago. He said there are four invisible forces in our lives.
TIME.
POWER.
LOVE.
DEATH.
He made much sense, matter of fact, it has inspired me to reallign my perspective, as you may or may not know, i am currnetly going through some health battles. Though there is a promise of recovery, there exists also a threat, a threat that most people wpuld dread, that I dread. What if.
Anyhow, I'd further discuss those four factors soon, in my future blogs, for now, allow me to share a thought...
LIFE, bound by TIME has always been a journey in search for one's personal PURPOSE, this entails the search for POWER and the ever famous, LOVE, all of which hopefully happen before the end of time, before DEATH.
LIfe is easy, but sometimes it rains so hard we forget that these factors are beyond our capacity to control. POWER, LOVE, TIME, and DEATH except PURPOSE, as though there exist FATE, with real FAITH, one's purpose can be fully shaped as according to our desires, provided though that it doesn't run againsht that universal truth, that there exist order, the ying and the yang, the balance or libra for the west. PURPOSE should first be found, and then shaped.
So, in the menatime, so long as my PURPOSE is clear, so matter how hard the rain may pour, with this lesson from my fingers, I shall delight my self first in dancing in the rain. :)
you can count one to five with a hand's fingers, but that's not the point today.
I have had recently come across an article by Paulo Coelho written some four or five years ago. He said there are four invisible forces in our lives.
TIME.
POWER.
LOVE.
DEATH.
He made much sense, matter of fact, it has inspired me to reallign my perspective, as you may or may not know, i am currnetly going through some health battles. Though there is a promise of recovery, there exists also a threat, a threat that most people wpuld dread, that I dread. What if.
Anyhow, I'd further discuss those four factors soon, in my future blogs, for now, allow me to share a thought...
LIFE, bound by TIME has always been a journey in search for one's personal PURPOSE, this entails the search for POWER and the ever famous, LOVE, all of which hopefully happen before the end of time, before DEATH.
LIfe is easy, but sometimes it rains so hard we forget that these factors are beyond our capacity to control. POWER, LOVE, TIME, and DEATH except PURPOSE, as though there exist FATE, with real FAITH, one's purpose can be fully shaped as according to our desires, provided though that it doesn't run againsht that universal truth, that there exist order, the ying and the yang, the balance or libra for the west. PURPOSE should first be found, and then shaped.
So, in the menatime, so long as my PURPOSE is clear, so matter how hard the rain may pour, with this lesson from my fingers, I shall delight my self first in dancing in the rain. :)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
kinse
Nais kong muling maging kinse.
Nais kong tumakbo sa ulan, maglaro ng patentero at magtaguan sa malamig na semento ng lungsod na ito. Muling gumamit ng backpack at sumakay sa likod ng pick-up truck, maligo sa kung saan resort pagkatapos ng klase. Nais kong sumuka sa gulong ng kotse, pumasok sa bintana kung gabi at matulog sa bahay ng kung sinong katoto. Mais kong maglaro ng video game sa computer shop tapos maubusan ng pamasahe pauwi.
Kumain ng ice cream sa tabi ng daan at mag habulan sa high way. Magmotor, kumarera at muling sumemplang sa kanto. Nais kong mag habulan sa loob ng imburnal na tuyo at maglaro ng holen sa kung saan my lupa. Gusto kong muling maging taya sa syato’t mapikon sa laro ng piko. Magka band aid sa siko matapos sumakay sa bisekletang walang brake.
Kumain ng fishball tapos barbeque bago manood ng liga sa barangay. Gusto kong muling mag gate crash sa JS ng public school na malapit sa bahay. Mag star gazing sa bubong at muling matakot bumaba sa hagdang gawa sa kawayan. Umakyat sa puno ng mangga at mag kunwaring marunong talaga. Nais kong mahigang muli sa bermuda sa elementary school tapos manood ng mga ulap na tumatakbo. Muling makipag-away sa pinsan kong sunog. Nais kong maligo sa poso tapos makipagbasaan ng tubig sa mga kalaro. Gusto kong muling magswimming sa pool ng kakilala matapos mag cut ng klase. Magdala ng portable DVD at manood ng mga scandal at magtawanan sa loob ng classroom. Magparamihan ng jokes sa celphone at muling mapagalitan ng librarian. Magkunwaring magreresearch pero Friendster pala inaatupag.
Tumakas papuntang Legaspi at mahuli ng teacher kong layas din. Kumupit para mabili ang gustong Tshirt. Mangapit bahay para manood ng pelikula at masarahan ng pinto kasi gabing gabi na. Nais kong muling sumubok mag skate, at sana’y di na muling mabalian ng kaliwang braso dahil sa sementadong rampa. Maglaro sa arcade at muling pagmasimple sa paghatak sa ticket. Bumili ng mga transferable tattoo at magyabang na henna ito. Maki share ng shower room sa best friend at subukang mag yosi. Gusto kong mag videoke, kumanta ng Westlife at ng Celine Dion. Pumunta ng riles at lumubog sa putikang fishpond. Pumuntang perya tapos umuwing walang pera. Gusto kong muling kiligin kasi flirt din sya, at lalo’t higit jacket lang ang suot nya. Gusto kong magsimba kasi wala lang. Kumain ng goto pagkatapos ng klase sa gilid ng paradahan ng jeep, o di kaya’y dumayo sa may central para lang sa shake at halo-halo. Gusto kong muling mag round the bottle.
Nais kong muling maging kinse.
Hindi pa naman ganun matagal ang limang taong lumipas, ngunit bakit tila kay tagal na?
Nais kong muling maglaro, nais kong muling maging kinse.
Nais kong tumakbo sa ulan, maglaro ng patentero at magtaguan sa malamig na semento ng lungsod na ito. Muling gumamit ng backpack at sumakay sa likod ng pick-up truck, maligo sa kung saan resort pagkatapos ng klase. Nais kong sumuka sa gulong ng kotse, pumasok sa bintana kung gabi at matulog sa bahay ng kung sinong katoto. Mais kong maglaro ng video game sa computer shop tapos maubusan ng pamasahe pauwi.
Kumain ng ice cream sa tabi ng daan at mag habulan sa high way. Magmotor, kumarera at muling sumemplang sa kanto. Nais kong mag habulan sa loob ng imburnal na tuyo at maglaro ng holen sa kung saan my lupa. Gusto kong muling maging taya sa syato’t mapikon sa laro ng piko. Magka band aid sa siko matapos sumakay sa bisekletang walang brake.
Kumain ng fishball tapos barbeque bago manood ng liga sa barangay. Gusto kong muling mag gate crash sa JS ng public school na malapit sa bahay. Mag star gazing sa bubong at muling matakot bumaba sa hagdang gawa sa kawayan. Umakyat sa puno ng mangga at mag kunwaring marunong talaga. Nais kong mahigang muli sa bermuda sa elementary school tapos manood ng mga ulap na tumatakbo. Muling makipag-away sa pinsan kong sunog. Nais kong maligo sa poso tapos makipagbasaan ng tubig sa mga kalaro. Gusto kong muling magswimming sa pool ng kakilala matapos mag cut ng klase. Magdala ng portable DVD at manood ng mga scandal at magtawanan sa loob ng classroom. Magparamihan ng jokes sa celphone at muling mapagalitan ng librarian. Magkunwaring magreresearch pero Friendster pala inaatupag.
Tumakas papuntang Legaspi at mahuli ng teacher kong layas din. Kumupit para mabili ang gustong Tshirt. Mangapit bahay para manood ng pelikula at masarahan ng pinto kasi gabing gabi na. Nais kong muling sumubok mag skate, at sana’y di na muling mabalian ng kaliwang braso dahil sa sementadong rampa. Maglaro sa arcade at muling pagmasimple sa paghatak sa ticket. Bumili ng mga transferable tattoo at magyabang na henna ito. Maki share ng shower room sa best friend at subukang mag yosi. Gusto kong mag videoke, kumanta ng Westlife at ng Celine Dion. Pumunta ng riles at lumubog sa putikang fishpond. Pumuntang perya tapos umuwing walang pera. Gusto kong muling kiligin kasi flirt din sya, at lalo’t higit jacket lang ang suot nya. Gusto kong magsimba kasi wala lang. Kumain ng goto pagkatapos ng klase sa gilid ng paradahan ng jeep, o di kaya’y dumayo sa may central para lang sa shake at halo-halo. Gusto kong muling mag round the bottle.
Nais kong muling maging kinse.
Hindi pa naman ganun matagal ang limang taong lumipas, ngunit bakit tila kay tagal na?
Nais kong muling maglaro, nais kong muling maging kinse.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
an ode to a friend
let me go
let me go . bid me goodbye. allow my heart to fly
I don’t have forever to stay, not even long, for you know, my heart is dying. Chain me not anymore, let me go. The more I try to break free and the more you hold me back, the more that my heart dies. I am dying, I don’t have long.
The world isn’t mine, but allow me to see it again, maybe at least for the last time.
Perhaps you would never understand, but this isn’t just the place I ought to be. The world is calling me, stop pulling my hand. Someone once told me, sadness is a place, so whenever it dawns upon you, leave. I beg of you, allow me to leave.
I may not have forever to see, the dusk has come, give me this perhaps as a little consolation for a closing window. The light doesn’t last until sundown; let me go not in the night. I don’t have a hand to hold in the dark, the time is now.
I pray each night, may the dawn be my dawn. May the unfolding of the day, of each and every day be the day of unfolding that I have always been praying. You have had me two fortnights and day of two, the time has come, I beg of you.
Cage me not, please, I beg of you, let me go.
I have cried many a night and prayed in between, what else do I have to do?
Do I have to break the chain?
It hurts to, but allow me to leave, for that is the only way that my life moves on.
The more you beg of me to stay, the more that I die.
It may not seem right, but leaving is the only way out. Let me go.
Keeping me is killing me. Keep me, and I’ll die.
Let me go, let me go.
___________________________
An Ode to a friend
6.21.2011
let me go . bid me goodbye. allow my heart to fly
I don’t have forever to stay, not even long, for you know, my heart is dying. Chain me not anymore, let me go. The more I try to break free and the more you hold me back, the more that my heart dies. I am dying, I don’t have long.
The world isn’t mine, but allow me to see it again, maybe at least for the last time.
Perhaps you would never understand, but this isn’t just the place I ought to be. The world is calling me, stop pulling my hand. Someone once told me, sadness is a place, so whenever it dawns upon you, leave. I beg of you, allow me to leave.
I may not have forever to see, the dusk has come, give me this perhaps as a little consolation for a closing window. The light doesn’t last until sundown; let me go not in the night. I don’t have a hand to hold in the dark, the time is now.
I pray each night, may the dawn be my dawn. May the unfolding of the day, of each and every day be the day of unfolding that I have always been praying. You have had me two fortnights and day of two, the time has come, I beg of you.
Cage me not, please, I beg of you, let me go.
I have cried many a night and prayed in between, what else do I have to do?
Do I have to break the chain?
It hurts to, but allow me to leave, for that is the only way that my life moves on.
The more you beg of me to stay, the more that I die.
It may not seem right, but leaving is the only way out. Let me go.
Keeping me is killing me. Keep me, and I’ll die.
Let me go, let me go.
___________________________
An Ode to a friend
6.21.2011
baggage
Spies travel light. They know which is and isn’t.
Agent Shaw would be packing in the morning. And he’s wondering which ones to carry.
He would be leaving town for quite some time, but he has to travel light.
The ride isn’t going to be that smooth thus he would need every little help – in the bag.
However spies travel light.
And so Agent Shaw would be doing a lot of thinking which is and which isn’t.
When dusk falls after the impending morning, Agent Shaw would be making a lot of packing yet again. As you know he’s indomitable in leaving town and that town where he used to seek refuge from the former’s melancholic winters. He has to sort things out, soon.
Agent Shaw has been through many-a-mission ever since that he has collected quite a humble anthology. However, when the morning comes, more so when the dusk falls after the dawning of the dawning morning, he would have to pick and discard. He can’t bring everything he has nor bring too little. The ride would need him be perfect, Prague-toned, but he can’t bring every little stash. Its code Prague, neither much nor modest is permissible. He would have to choose and let go. As you know, spies travel light.
The bags are as open as the trash bins, and as soon as Agent Shaw figures out which goes to which, the impending morning shall dawn in glory.
Agent Shaw is leaving this town, and he would be packing light – he has to, a spy has – more so, a rogue.
_____________________________
June 16, 2011
Agent Shaw would be packing in the morning. And he’s wondering which ones to carry.
He would be leaving town for quite some time, but he has to travel light.
The ride isn’t going to be that smooth thus he would need every little help – in the bag.
However spies travel light.
And so Agent Shaw would be doing a lot of thinking which is and which isn’t.
When dusk falls after the impending morning, Agent Shaw would be making a lot of packing yet again. As you know he’s indomitable in leaving town and that town where he used to seek refuge from the former’s melancholic winters. He has to sort things out, soon.
Agent Shaw has been through many-a-mission ever since that he has collected quite a humble anthology. However, when the morning comes, more so when the dusk falls after the dawning of the dawning morning, he would have to pick and discard. He can’t bring everything he has nor bring too little. The ride would need him be perfect, Prague-toned, but he can’t bring every little stash. Its code Prague, neither much nor modest is permissible. He would have to choose and let go. As you know, spies travel light.
The bags are as open as the trash bins, and as soon as Agent Shaw figures out which goes to which, the impending morning shall dawn in glory.
Agent Shaw is leaving this town, and he would be packing light – he has to, a spy has – more so, a rogue.
_____________________________
June 16, 2011
leave this town
I would be packing my bags when the morning comes.
Funny; as I sit now, I really feel something strange, I don’t know what to call it, but I am certain, it’s telling me to postpone my plans. Sort of, telling me to stay. I remember writing my heart out then that I feel like I don’t have a home, that I am some kind of homeless guy that jumps from house to house. Tonight, I am very certain that I am taking all those back. I have a home, I am home.
But when the morning comes, I would be leaving this town.
Leave this town – the one thing that I have always wanted to do, and for quite some time I have been able to – and soon again, would. I would be heading back to Naga by lunch tomorrow - and from there, I would try to sort things out.
The past few months have been a hell of a ride, I have been tossed around life’s little corners. The rough time is over and now is when the rainbow is about to shine. And now it’s time that I jump back, I would be leaving this town and seek some adventure.
Time has been able to give me space. Time and this town have made things a little clearer; have given me a better perspective.
I am leaving this town, but unlike the last, I would be leaving now with a happy heart and a soul that would always want to fly back. Though I may find yet another home sometime somewhere, this town would always have a special place in my heart.
Home is this town, and this town’s too good to leave – but it’s time.
It’s time to leave the nest.
It’s time to leave this town.
___________________________
June 16, 2011
in this town.
Funny; as I sit now, I really feel something strange, I don’t know what to call it, but I am certain, it’s telling me to postpone my plans. Sort of, telling me to stay. I remember writing my heart out then that I feel like I don’t have a home, that I am some kind of homeless guy that jumps from house to house. Tonight, I am very certain that I am taking all those back. I have a home, I am home.
But when the morning comes, I would be leaving this town.
Leave this town – the one thing that I have always wanted to do, and for quite some time I have been able to – and soon again, would. I would be heading back to Naga by lunch tomorrow - and from there, I would try to sort things out.
The past few months have been a hell of a ride, I have been tossed around life’s little corners. The rough time is over and now is when the rainbow is about to shine. And now it’s time that I jump back, I would be leaving this town and seek some adventure.
Time has been able to give me space. Time and this town have made things a little clearer; have given me a better perspective.
I am leaving this town, but unlike the last, I would be leaving now with a happy heart and a soul that would always want to fly back. Though I may find yet another home sometime somewhere, this town would always have a special place in my heart.
Home is this town, and this town’s too good to leave – but it’s time.
It’s time to leave the nest.
It’s time to leave this town.
___________________________
June 16, 2011
in this town.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
going rogue
Agent Shaw woke up with a hint of a sour night. The days that have passed are but random ticking. No good news, neither bad, just plane boring days. If it could have been a regular day, such is but a blessing, as spies need some time off. But this time it’s different.
Shaw has just gotten himself off Prague, ready for battle, but came General Beckman’s order to stay locked down at the castle. His emotions are high and his health down – rest is but mandatory. Some time off they say is what he needs. And he knows that exactly, but to be locked up at the castle – is another story. He’s just so fine to be locked up.
Years ago, he lost his wife. Killed in an alley in France by an operative unknown to him or to the agency he serves. With full vendetta, he knows that one day someone has to pay. He has to be fit, perfectly ready so that when the right time comes, pulling the trigger would all be worth it.
Thing though, such same vengeance has caused him a liability. His handlers think that he still needs time – time off, even Gen. Beckman concedes to such. His current health condition added weight to the order, who would want a wounded spy.
But he just can’t stay put.
And so begun his gusto to go off grid, to go AWOL, to take things his way.
Thus the recent days and nights that have passed has been full of thinking. Options considered, responsibilities and repercussions laid – he is thus torn. Going off radar thrills him, but turning against the very institution he has served all his life doesn’t seem fitting.
And so he’d again sip coffee today – and think.
Running in his blood is a rogue spy, but would he – is the time right?
Shaw has just gotten himself off Prague, ready for battle, but came General Beckman’s order to stay locked down at the castle. His emotions are high and his health down – rest is but mandatory. Some time off they say is what he needs. And he knows that exactly, but to be locked up at the castle – is another story. He’s just so fine to be locked up.
Years ago, he lost his wife. Killed in an alley in France by an operative unknown to him or to the agency he serves. With full vendetta, he knows that one day someone has to pay. He has to be fit, perfectly ready so that when the right time comes, pulling the trigger would all be worth it.
Thing though, such same vengeance has caused him a liability. His handlers think that he still needs time – time off, even Gen. Beckman concedes to such. His current health condition added weight to the order, who would want a wounded spy.
But he just can’t stay put.
And so begun his gusto to go off grid, to go AWOL, to take things his way.
Thus the recent days and nights that have passed has been full of thinking. Options considered, responsibilities and repercussions laid – he is thus torn. Going off radar thrills him, but turning against the very institution he has served all his life doesn’t seem fitting.
And so he’d again sip coffee today – and think.
Running in his blood is a rogue spy, but would he – is the time right?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
a spy's tale
The spy woke up with bloodshot eyes, a reminder of the night that has already gone. The party went ticking until the break of dawn, it’s ten past one and his day is yet to begin. Half the world has had their lunch and is now moving back to whatever there is that keeps them busy at this time of the day, but he, the spy is yet to take his breakfast, and after doing so, try to figure out how the rest of his day would be spent.
Reminders of the party, err, mission littered at his bedroom’s floor. The nice crisp top and the overly posh bow tie still have the scent of the night that has passed. It was a night that most single person in the world would love to be in, pathetic Americans called it ‘singles’ dance’ but our dear little spy calls it ‘desperates’ dance’. Men and gals of his age dress up, wear the fanciest they have, and by fancy we mean expensive and overtly suggestive, if not seductively designed designers. They call it a night, but what transpires really is hotter than a sun shinny day. Booze, music and bodies all so warmed up and anticipating some rain. Pathetic.
The spy is a sly. He has learned to play with fire, it burns and it hurts though, but he has to. His job is to get people bodied, give them what they want in exchange of something he wants. Quite fair, but the trade is, he the spy takes an even more valuable stash. And may I add, without his victim’s knowing, well at least, not until after he’s gone and could never be seen again.
That’s what spies do, play trickery. To hide in the motions of the emotions he has been trained to tickle and cloak over his creeping hands. A spy is, a spy does.
He’s a master of seducing even the most adored and the seemingly untouchable. Perks of the job, as they say; ride nice fancy wheels and drive other wheels, you know. It’s quite fun, or at least it seems.
But hours like this, when he is but the person that he is, no longer the coded agent that the world knows only for his name, he is but like a nude and naked body in the dessert. Vulnerable.
The truth is, the spy woke up triumphantly, or at least, that’s what to others he may seem because of a nice work done. But deep inside, inside that warm body that seems untouchable. That very body that has been entwined with another’s just the night before, and the many other nights that has gone. The very body that went dashing on red carpeted floors of hotels around the world with that damsel who, after the mission, would be knocking at his room for an expression of ‘gratitude’. That very body that owns the caressing hands that have touched many other hands wrapped with the gloves of love, err, at least, a little ploy of seduction. Yes, that very warm body -is empty.
Spies don’t fall in love; or at least, they are not allowed. Angels might have chiseled every inch of their faces and everything below it, but such dishful perfection isn’t made to simply make others fall in love, though in the surface maybe, but not according to the code. Every spy is a god, incapable of loving, despite that smooth brute they have been perfected to become. They just don’t have the right to fall in love. Love is a liability, and loving is a sin.
Thing is, though, love isn’t a spy’s thing, that doesn’t mean he can’t play it.
So pardon me now, I have a game to play, err maybe, a breakfast to catch.
Reminders of the party, err, mission littered at his bedroom’s floor. The nice crisp top and the overly posh bow tie still have the scent of the night that has passed. It was a night that most single person in the world would love to be in, pathetic Americans called it ‘singles’ dance’ but our dear little spy calls it ‘desperates’ dance’. Men and gals of his age dress up, wear the fanciest they have, and by fancy we mean expensive and overtly suggestive, if not seductively designed designers. They call it a night, but what transpires really is hotter than a sun shinny day. Booze, music and bodies all so warmed up and anticipating some rain. Pathetic.
The spy is a sly. He has learned to play with fire, it burns and it hurts though, but he has to. His job is to get people bodied, give them what they want in exchange of something he wants. Quite fair, but the trade is, he the spy takes an even more valuable stash. And may I add, without his victim’s knowing, well at least, not until after he’s gone and could never be seen again.
That’s what spies do, play trickery. To hide in the motions of the emotions he has been trained to tickle and cloak over his creeping hands. A spy is, a spy does.
He’s a master of seducing even the most adored and the seemingly untouchable. Perks of the job, as they say; ride nice fancy wheels and drive other wheels, you know. It’s quite fun, or at least it seems.
But hours like this, when he is but the person that he is, no longer the coded agent that the world knows only for his name, he is but like a nude and naked body in the dessert. Vulnerable.
The truth is, the spy woke up triumphantly, or at least, that’s what to others he may seem because of a nice work done. But deep inside, inside that warm body that seems untouchable. That very body that has been entwined with another’s just the night before, and the many other nights that has gone. The very body that went dashing on red carpeted floors of hotels around the world with that damsel who, after the mission, would be knocking at his room for an expression of ‘gratitude’. That very body that owns the caressing hands that have touched many other hands wrapped with the gloves of love, err, at least, a little ploy of seduction. Yes, that very warm body -is empty.
Spies don’t fall in love; or at least, they are not allowed. Angels might have chiseled every inch of their faces and everything below it, but such dishful perfection isn’t made to simply make others fall in love, though in the surface maybe, but not according to the code. Every spy is a god, incapable of loving, despite that smooth brute they have been perfected to become. They just don’t have the right to fall in love. Love is a liability, and loving is a sin.
Thing is, though, love isn’t a spy’s thing, that doesn’t mean he can’t play it.
So pardon me now, I have a game to play, err maybe, a breakfast to catch.
Monday, May 16, 2011
statQuo I
May 16
One day before Surgery
STATUS QUO:
Well, tomorrow’s my surgery – but I’m not that nervous at all, just a bit :) It’s a50-50 chance so, I don’t know really, I just hope that it’ll put an end to this thing – whatever’s the result imma move on with life, what’s important is that the membranes and the blood would be all gone and no more painful red eye for me :) Another SQ, hmm, well I don’t know what I am actually feeling towards RYAN:)
he’s my constant ‘moring-smile’s-reason’ recently; I feel guilty ‘cause some people, and me too, I think, still think that there is more to the JaRent and BrenJa tandem, hhahahah, feel funny just writing it now.
Anyhow, I still don’t like Kun’s presence and the people here home compare not even half of what’s back there in Naga ( I mean, home there) I mean, duh, I’m home now, I feel more secured, relaxed and (loved?) taken cared of here :) I also realized many good things about my fam, si Papa din, I think I understand him better now :) Well, what else, I’m hooked with
Glee now, as in hooked. Mike Chang is an absolute charmer I think I wanna marry him,
hhahaha, scratch that out, but he’s a real charmer really – I see myself in him, guess so :) And, uhm, that’ts it.
-and oh, I have found one cute definitely-all-mine, err trademark to write my dailies here (you’re reading it)
So that’s what you’ve missed on…
ME :)
(say it like the opening spill on GLEE)
One day before Surgery
STATUS QUO:
Well, tomorrow’s my surgery – but I’m not that nervous at all, just a bit :) It’s a50-50 chance so, I don’t know really, I just hope that it’ll put an end to this thing – whatever’s the result imma move on with life, what’s important is that the membranes and the blood would be all gone and no more painful red eye for me :) Another SQ, hmm, well I don’t know what I am actually feeling towards RYAN:)
he’s my constant ‘moring-smile’s-reason’ recently; I feel guilty ‘cause some people, and me too, I think, still think that there is more to the JaRent and BrenJa tandem, hhahahah, feel funny just writing it now.
Anyhow, I still don’t like Kun’s presence and the people here home compare not even half of what’s back there in Naga ( I mean, home there) I mean, duh, I’m home now, I feel more secured, relaxed and (loved?) taken cared of here :) I also realized many good things about my fam, si Papa din, I think I understand him better now :) Well, what else, I’m hooked with
Glee now, as in hooked. Mike Chang is an absolute charmer I think I wanna marry him,
hhahaha, scratch that out, but he’s a real charmer really – I see myself in him, guess so :) And, uhm, that’ts it.-and oh, I have found one cute definitely-all-mine, err trademark to write my dailies here (you’re reading it)
So that’s what you’ve missed on…
ME :)
(say it like the opening spill on GLEE)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
transient
i don't feel like writing, just wanna talk with pictures...
dish in...
had this one during my last PCSV trainning :)
my latest obsession :))
i want to upload a fam pic here, was taken last december when we were at Ligñon Hill. hai, ayaw nya maupload :)) anyhow. yun.
three things that makes my day, daily :)
chow for now.
dish in...
had this one during my last PCSV trainning :) my latest obsession :))
i want to upload a fam pic here, was taken last december when we were at Ligñon Hill. hai, ayaw nya maupload :)) anyhow. yun.
three things that makes my day, daily :)
chow for now.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
TURN OF EVENTS
I guess this would be the first time I would talk about this, with a sober soul.
It’s an open book; my recent ordeal has been an open history to most of you. But I guess there were things that I have been able to keep really, thoughts that I have chosen to be dear to me first. To admit, writing this now feels like telling the story for the first time, for to speak, those I have written in between the moment I have learned my condition and this, are I guess but driven by my overwhelmed soul and weary little heart.
Time has finally lapsed and I think so did the pain, and the humbling feeling of defeat.
Now that I’m (sort of) back to my feet again, let me tell you my story…
I have been diagnosed with Uveitis late last year, an eye disorder that affects about 2 million and three hundred thousand plus people in the entire world, that translates to 15 cases per hundred thousand population – a rare case in deed. What are the odds, there are how many billion people in the world and there are how many possible reasons to have contracted this thing – and the universe conspired to give it to me. I didn’t went through the usual WHY ME episodes, but I did went through that phase that I had to convince myself that I am okay, that I would be okay – all because that’s the only possible relief. It was surreal, the case didn’t sink upon me in one drop, I was rather full of hope (and am still) most of the time. There were times though that reality bites, that possibilities and real life repercussions of my condition flash, and those moments were just unbearable. I mean, I have a future ahead, bright and clear, and all of a sudden, things turned blur.
In spite of those though, healing came in many forms. The condition that I have been in (and still at) made me reevaluate my life, looked at it from many proportions and realized the many things I did wrong, that I am doing wrong; things I did right, am doing right, dreams I have and the possibility of making them come true. I have lost my left eye, but in return I have gained new and better perspectives. Despite the vague images ahead, I know God has only given me this to ‘shake and wake me up’; He’s always been there and having found a Harvard trained doctor and a benefactor who has pledged monetary help without asking anything in return, I think is enough proof that Manoy is just but working on me – for the better. I have never had full confidence in saying ‘thy will be done’, just until now. In the coming days (two years actually) I would go through Chemotherapy in the hope to counter the infection that caused the vision loss – and if God permits, hope (and I really pray for this) to at most restore a 20/70 vision. Possibility of going through eye operation(s) and laser treatments are also at hand, but I am one with my doctor in praying that the condition be fully battled with meds alone.
Life has its ways of reminding us how fickle minded we can be, how self absorbed and earthbound our desires could become, I guess mine’s this. I went overboard more than once in my life, took myself for granted and seen no boundaries for myself, but nature has its ways of reminding us that there’s a greater order that we must follow. During the PCSV training this summer, I guess I introduced a new word to the group – repercussions. I was reminded of the same word.
More than ever, I see more value in me now, more respect and hope.
More than just TURN of EVENTS, I guess this phase also means a turn of my LIFE
with much hope and trust, and love in my heart…
the little wonderer would continue to wander :))
19.04.2011
It’s an open book; my recent ordeal has been an open history to most of you. But I guess there were things that I have been able to keep really, thoughts that I have chosen to be dear to me first. To admit, writing this now feels like telling the story for the first time, for to speak, those I have written in between the moment I have learned my condition and this, are I guess but driven by my overwhelmed soul and weary little heart.
Time has finally lapsed and I think so did the pain, and the humbling feeling of defeat.
Now that I’m (sort of) back to my feet again, let me tell you my story…
I have been diagnosed with Uveitis late last year, an eye disorder that affects about 2 million and three hundred thousand plus people in the entire world, that translates to 15 cases per hundred thousand population – a rare case in deed. What are the odds, there are how many billion people in the world and there are how many possible reasons to have contracted this thing – and the universe conspired to give it to me. I didn’t went through the usual WHY ME episodes, but I did went through that phase that I had to convince myself that I am okay, that I would be okay – all because that’s the only possible relief. It was surreal, the case didn’t sink upon me in one drop, I was rather full of hope (and am still) most of the time. There were times though that reality bites, that possibilities and real life repercussions of my condition flash, and those moments were just unbearable. I mean, I have a future ahead, bright and clear, and all of a sudden, things turned blur.
In spite of those though, healing came in many forms. The condition that I have been in (and still at) made me reevaluate my life, looked at it from many proportions and realized the many things I did wrong, that I am doing wrong; things I did right, am doing right, dreams I have and the possibility of making them come true. I have lost my left eye, but in return I have gained new and better perspectives. Despite the vague images ahead, I know God has only given me this to ‘shake and wake me up’; He’s always been there and having found a Harvard trained doctor and a benefactor who has pledged monetary help without asking anything in return, I think is enough proof that Manoy is just but working on me – for the better. I have never had full confidence in saying ‘thy will be done’, just until now. In the coming days (two years actually) I would go through Chemotherapy in the hope to counter the infection that caused the vision loss – and if God permits, hope (and I really pray for this) to at most restore a 20/70 vision. Possibility of going through eye operation(s) and laser treatments are also at hand, but I am one with my doctor in praying that the condition be fully battled with meds alone.
Life has its ways of reminding us how fickle minded we can be, how self absorbed and earthbound our desires could become, I guess mine’s this. I went overboard more than once in my life, took myself for granted and seen no boundaries for myself, but nature has its ways of reminding us that there’s a greater order that we must follow. During the PCSV training this summer, I guess I introduced a new word to the group – repercussions. I was reminded of the same word.
More than ever, I see more value in me now, more respect and hope.
More than just TURN of EVENTS, I guess this phase also means a turn of my LIFE
with much hope and trust, and love in my heart…
the little wonderer would continue to wander :))
19.04.2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
with new eyes
There are about 2 million uvietis infected individuals in the world, one of them is me. With blurry eyes and fear for what may happen, my world totally went upside down, but the most funny thing there, i have had clearer vission, a new perspective at life now. thanks, yah, to this thing i was able to see things differently ;)
i have my share of tampo and you know the thing with my family, but after what has recently happen, i have realized how much love there is that binds us together. our finances are tight but they were able to make ways, for that alone i admire them all. but waht matters really most now is the care that seem to over flow, the understanding eyes and the concern that they have, that just makes me feel secured.
going through this too, i have realized that i still have a lot in my little bucket list, things that i may not have written yet, others i have, things i have kept in my heart. i still want to see batanes, want my picture taken there, have my little photo exhibit featuring my few little wonders seen, want the world to see the difference there is in plainly looking at things and lovingly seeing wonders. i want to go to greecce, still want a photo of those little white houses :)
want to see my pamangkins walk with great pride, with thier toga on and march on to life :)) want to see my papa on a wheel chair, in the sand, stikl want to see his bluish grey eyes :)) i have a lot actually, things that i keep dear to me.
the moment i was exposed to the posibility that i might perpetually lose vission, things like these went flashing, and as i endure now the sleepless nights ( due to my steriods) they just keep on hunting me.good though, now i am assured that i still can do them, i stil have a chance to life :)) that i'd still have my right eye healthy and a 'new' left eye to guide me through life.
thus i say...
i would continue to wonder and wander...
with new eyes
i have my share of tampo and you know the thing with my family, but after what has recently happen, i have realized how much love there is that binds us together. our finances are tight but they were able to make ways, for that alone i admire them all. but waht matters really most now is the care that seem to over flow, the understanding eyes and the concern that they have, that just makes me feel secured.
going through this too, i have realized that i still have a lot in my little bucket list, things that i may not have written yet, others i have, things i have kept in my heart. i still want to see batanes, want my picture taken there, have my little photo exhibit featuring my few little wonders seen, want the world to see the difference there is in plainly looking at things and lovingly seeing wonders. i want to go to greecce, still want a photo of those little white houses :)
want to see my pamangkins walk with great pride, with thier toga on and march on to life :)) want to see my papa on a wheel chair, in the sand, stikl want to see his bluish grey eyes :)) i have a lot actually, things that i keep dear to me.
the moment i was exposed to the posibility that i might perpetually lose vission, things like these went flashing, and as i endure now the sleepless nights ( due to my steriods) they just keep on hunting me.good though, now i am assured that i still can do them, i stil have a chance to life :)) that i'd still have my right eye healthy and a 'new' left eye to guide me through life.
thus i say...
i would continue to wonder and wander...
with new eyes
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