Jitters

If there would be two words that’ll describe me and my situation now, that’ll be jitters and fervid. Well, the first is way too obvious, I’m graduating, vying for an award (who knows, awards, hhhehe, wishful thinking) at the same time trying to comply with my requirements, that damn are way too many, and they have piled already. Phew. The second word means, extreme mood swings, quite a new term for bipolar; all because, due to (refer to the first word) I really can’t sleep well anymore, been preoccupied most of the time, and damn, I can’t concentrate well, been talking much also lately, talking non-sense actually, tapos maya maya I’d feel alone, sad, then one moment I’d be motivated again, positive and all, phew, I’m getting crazy 

But anyhow, I do understand, I myself have been trying to be patient with my emotions, too. the countdown has already begun and the clock is ticking fast, that’s why I’d make sure I live one day at a time muna. Pray much in between toiling and sweating it all out. Malapit na, malapit lapit na din, ngayon pa ba ako susuko, laban, diba.

With sweaty palms now as I type this, I say AMEN to all and everything. Masyadong masaya ang mundo for me to sulk, I don’t even have the right to feel small, coz I know I am not, marami na din akong napatunayan sa sarili ko just to lose it with this trying time. Hindi ah, I won’t allow it, my Lord’s been faithful to me and, damn, I am living my teenage dream, madaming hustle bustle but the road shall clear again. As the cliché goes, God destroys one to make it better, thus I am neither losing it nor heading somewhere epic but rather I am being shaken, hard, so that the kick does kick well – and hard. Bring it on and I am ready…

As Coelho said…

When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.

And so tonight, and for the many nights that were a prelude to tonight, I swear for their sake that I shall live fully, that I shall sing in the showers, smile at the sun and the moon and work my toes hard, keep those dreams awake and ride the winds of change, keep my faith ever ablaze and kiss hello a hundred years to live.

Before I end this entry, I would like share my word of the day, probab;y even for the many coming days, since I started with words, allow me to end it with another word, I saw this at the office today as I render my fourth to the last duty day at the CLG, the word that perfectly describe as well what I have written above, the only reason I have chosen so to stand above my ordeal, the word that I shall always remember especially in the upcoming days, the word that I know would take me to places and where my heart belongs…

PERSIST. (o.0)

2/1/11

I do not intend to write anything really, I just want to think aloud…

Today has been pretty fine, quite boring coz I spent almost 3 and a half hours at the gym for the upcoming Job Fair 11’s dry run, and worst it was almost a one man show, just me and ate Elaine, but anyway, it has been fun.

Last night I was able to finish the Alchemist, after days of meaning to read it, finally, sa ikatlong upuan ay natapos ko din, and I would like to lift a few lines.

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.

"It's called the principle of favorability. When you play cards the first time, you are almost sure to win. Beginner's luck."

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

Isn’t it a little funny, that these lines resounds louder that ever lately. Damn, I would really be graduating soon. I was telling nga Vhanny kanina that after the Triumph pictorial, it all began to sink into me, deeper this time. And in a few days, Job Fair na, sooner Love Rendezvous and then yLead na, pagkatapos nun, tapos na tsong! Naman!

In the immediate future, magaaply ako sa different companies, would be trying my beginners luck. Nakakatuwa lang that, sa wakas, eto na to. For three years I would help in ushering seniors during the Jobfair, ngayon ako naman ang makikipag sapalaran, sit amongst my friends that are as well my competition. Nakatuwa, nakakasabik.

And so tonight, I would start my countdown to March.
28 days, one down, 27 more to go.

Amen. Amen.

broken frames

Do you know the time in between dreaming and being awake – the moment when you wake up and the world has not yet sink into your thoughts and the sweetest of dreams, though you might not remember them, still lingers? Isn’t it sweet to live a life with such calmness, with such peace? If only.

I messed up today. I messed up, hard, that in my way home, I was cursing the day. I almost shouted, I would have almost shouted, if only a friend was not with me. I was having the jitters again, I was anxious, I was nervous, I was angry, I was stunned and I was feeling so tired.



Days like this, I don’t want anything but to look for arms to hug me, tight, and cry my heart out.

I hate it that I have to learn things a little hard. I feel like a picture on a broken frame, I want to run – somewhere – where an arm would warmly hold me tight and make me feel that I am still whole, maybe shaken, but still whole. I want someone to tell me that I am doing fine, that I would soon kick my butt off and kick some asses again. Kanina, I wish I have Mama around, or maybe a Dad, a Kuya or maybe a friend that would hear me say pagod na pagod na naman ako, overwhelmed – and, I guess, a little shaken, hard, tapos tatango sya and say it’s okay, tsong, you’re doing fine. Someone that would understand when I say I messed up, badly, someone who would not look at me as a bratt, pathetic self-centered helpless kiddo that doesn’t know how to fix things he himself has caused broke.

Alam mo yung pakiramadam that ang gulo gulo na naman, for a while I was breathing clearly, suddenly here comes the ghosts of the past, hunting me, horrifying my guts out.

Why is that when you decide to take charge of the now and today, the past would hunt you, calling you back, pulling you down? It scares me, what if it wins, what if it pulls hard enough that I won’t be able to stand up again and move forward. Ayokong maiwan, malulungkot man akong umalis, still, I swear don’t plan to stay anymore. Para lang kasi, ang hirap tsong, I might not be on my best toes, but, yun, natatakot lang ako that being such, I might lose grip and let flee something dear to me. Hai.

Broken frames, they remind me of how fragile I have built my life on, but God knows, I wasn’t able to mend them well not because I chose to, but because I got too preoccupied of taking the perfect shot, of putting the perfect picture, probably trying to capture that perfect moment. Mali. I should have been doing both. And I would, damn I would.

Today is a damn bullshit, it’s a f*ck that I have to kick off my memories.



I have dreams to chase, I have laughs to laugh and better tears to shed – kaya today’s not going to stop me. Alam ko God’s cooking something good that for now the smoke gets to be too thick it hurts my eyes, puts tears in them. But I won’t let go.

I am damn graduating; I will be – in two months time!