an EMPTY dream

I remember Julia’s character in the ever sweet and funny Nothing Hill.
There was this scene when after they (meaning, she and Hugh) made love, right after the world has sink in again, she asked how he felt. She said something like, is it like after you masturbate, the guilt comes in?

It was a funny scene with a funny line but such, is as profound, I think, as I am just but a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Today, I simply would like to write something about emptiness, about being empty.

Paulo Coelho, in his Veronika Decides to Die gave a picture of this. The line goes…

I'm still young, pretty, intelligent, I won't have any difficulty in getting boyfriends, I never did. I'll make love with them in their houses, or in the woods, I'll feel a certain degree of pleasure, but the moment I reach orgasm, the feeling of emptiness will return. We won't have much to talk about, and both he and I will know it. The time will come to make our excuses—‘It's late’, or ‘I have to get up early tomorrow’—and we'll part as quickly as possible, avoiding looking each other in the eye.

As I grow older, I feel like I understand better Veronika’s point of view. She said it perfectly, I am neither happy nor sad and bitter – so better end it now when I have nothing to lose. It’s pathetic though that she has not found anything to live for, even in the end of the story. I feel what Veronika feels, but unlike her I still hope that one day I would stumble upon that real reason. I can always say this and that, as my reason for moving forward, but that only makes me a good liar.

It’s tiring trying to fall each time, and then hit the ground. It’s even harder to try accepting when the road just gets rougher each moment. I feel empty, so empty deep within today – and you know what bothers me? It’s the fact that though I have reasons in mind, I don’t really know why I feel like this.

Is it because of the weather? my current krusada perhaps? Or is it my coming of age?
Worst, is it because of life itself? - that at some point of life man would really drift.

EMPTY – is a big word full of meaning.

Hai. Perhaps this is just because of my current situation, perhaps I need some break, some rest; for you know the heart could only take so much. Kung ang laptop nga has to sleep, perhaps I also need some of that, in every sense of the word.

In the end, I’d like to live up to Julia’s character than Veronika’s. She chose to face life while the latter succumb. Emptiness is but a phase, and as my friend would say daanan lang, wag tambayan.

I am empty, I feel bruised and crushed…
…and I give up - for now, just now.

This is nothing but an empty dream…
watch me when I wake up.