broken frames

Do you know the time in between dreaming and being awake – the moment when you wake up and the world has not yet sink into your thoughts and the sweetest of dreams, though you might not remember them, still lingers? Isn’t it sweet to live a life with such calmness, with such peace? If only.

I messed up today. I messed up, hard, that in my way home, I was cursing the day. I almost shouted, I would have almost shouted, if only a friend was not with me. I was having the jitters again, I was anxious, I was nervous, I was angry, I was stunned and I was feeling so tired.



Days like this, I don’t want anything but to look for arms to hug me, tight, and cry my heart out.

I hate it that I have to learn things a little hard. I feel like a picture on a broken frame, I want to run – somewhere – where an arm would warmly hold me tight and make me feel that I am still whole, maybe shaken, but still whole. I want someone to tell me that I am doing fine, that I would soon kick my butt off and kick some asses again. Kanina, I wish I have Mama around, or maybe a Dad, a Kuya or maybe a friend that would hear me say pagod na pagod na naman ako, overwhelmed – and, I guess, a little shaken, hard, tapos tatango sya and say it’s okay, tsong, you’re doing fine. Someone that would understand when I say I messed up, badly, someone who would not look at me as a bratt, pathetic self-centered helpless kiddo that doesn’t know how to fix things he himself has caused broke.

Alam mo yung pakiramadam that ang gulo gulo na naman, for a while I was breathing clearly, suddenly here comes the ghosts of the past, hunting me, horrifying my guts out.

Why is that when you decide to take charge of the now and today, the past would hunt you, calling you back, pulling you down? It scares me, what if it wins, what if it pulls hard enough that I won’t be able to stand up again and move forward. Ayokong maiwan, malulungkot man akong umalis, still, I swear don’t plan to stay anymore. Para lang kasi, ang hirap tsong, I might not be on my best toes, but, yun, natatakot lang ako that being such, I might lose grip and let flee something dear to me. Hai.

Broken frames, they remind me of how fragile I have built my life on, but God knows, I wasn’t able to mend them well not because I chose to, but because I got too preoccupied of taking the perfect shot, of putting the perfect picture, probably trying to capture that perfect moment. Mali. I should have been doing both. And I would, damn I would.

Today is a damn bullshit, it’s a f*ck that I have to kick off my memories.



I have dreams to chase, I have laughs to laugh and better tears to shed – kaya today’s not going to stop me. Alam ko God’s cooking something good that for now the smoke gets to be too thick it hurts my eyes, puts tears in them. But I won’t let go.

I am damn graduating; I will be – in two months time!