at pagkatapos...

just when i needed some around...
no one came, as usual.

i woke up today being yelp at, at sa lahat ng tao, sya pa.

alam mo yung pakiramadam when you wake up in the morning, the first few seconds when you open your eyes and the world has not yet sink in? hindi ba that very monet seems a blessing, tipong the first taste of the day would be peace and quite, of joy and everything good - what a good day to start any day - everyday. but that doesn't exist in my world lately. pagod akong gumising, minsan i just don't want rise anymore minsan ganun.

today i was reminded again of my role, of the role i have to play. oh god i wish i have other choices. sa buong buhay ko hindi pa sa akin naisusumbat, maski nung taong may karapatang gawin yun, ang estado ko ngayon. i was a bullshit! i felt so crappy and belittled and so small and so helpless. i have lived my life, 20 years of my life being me, being the person that i am, tapos today, ipapamukha nya that wala akong karapatang ankinin ang sarili kong oras, ang sarili kong choices. bullshit, putang ina nya.

i don't deserve the slightest of how she treats me.
today i am supposed to post the blog i have written about ACCEPTING...
but i guess more than that, kailangan ko din lumaban.

my mom used to call me home to protect me from the bullies when i was a kid...
but now that she's gone, i can only run to where i can be alone - and cry.

for now, yayakapin ko ang lahat not because i love them so much it has to hurt, but because i love myself and i know i have to endure this for the next two months...

at pagkatapos...
God knows.

Where do you go when you cry?

Where do you go when you cry?
Who do you run to?

Got a name in mind?
Well, keep that person close…
… as for you know not all I know has one.

‘ got a friend who runs to mary jane, an hour of being high does the comfort.
‘ got a friend who runs to mudbugs and drowns the pain.
‘ got a friend who runs to his Chevie and hits the country road for a lull.
‘ got a friend who runs to whoever he can run to and make out with, fucking the pain away.
‘ got a friend who runs to the pews and silently shouts it all to HIM.
‘ got a friend who runs to his friendly blade and tries to slash the hurting away.
‘ got a friend who runs to his laptop and type the pain away.
‘ got a friend who runs to the ATM and swipes the throb away.
‘ got a friend who runs to her shoes and walks tears away.

I’ve got a friend who ran to his keys and drove the pain away,
met his boyfriend and that cunning friend of man, DEATH.

Ikaw? Whom do you run to? If such has a name, keep such really good…
For you know, it’s better to run to a friend than to cry it all out in the shower.
Trust me, I know.

J retteb eb annog s’worromot ebyam