lakad

I can’t help but remember today the time when I was once asked, in an interview as I vie for membership at the office’s peer counselors, how I handle frustrations. It was Gurong R who asked, and for long I kept the guilt for having bluffed, sort of.

I remember saying that I go to church, mostly at night and contemplate on the light that is in the altar, seeing such as a hope, a simple symbol that everything would be all right. It sound’s okay right, so where’s the bluff, you might ask. Well, it’s in the doing. I don’t really do that.

I go to church when I am frustrated, but I don’t contemplate on the light nor do I go there at night – that’s the truth. But, well as all bluffs are, the truth behind is that, I do go to the church, but I do a different thing.

I sit in the back pew, not the most rear but somewhere in between the back pew and the first few pews ahead. I sit there for indefinite times, sometimes long, most of the time just enough. And for that ‘sacred’ moment I would think, and talk to myself. I would usually ask God what I did wrong, but in the end, I would have an answer – to what I did wrong.

I am more of an intropectionist when I pray.

And in the recent frustrations that I am having, I am delighted to have observed that I have grown more accepting now, less resentful. I have been more honest, to myself, too. True, I still have certain anguish, certain pains in me, but recently, all those I seem to resent too already. Despite the many imperfections, the many pagkukulang and unuttered pains that I keep, it seems that slowly I am understanding things better, seeing the perfect and humble intentions in the imperfections, nakikita ko na din yung mga ugat nung mga pagkukulang, that I know given the chance they would not allow to have grown.

I used to think that being numb would heal the pains, but I was wronged. It would only cover the pain, but it will leave scars. Now, I seem to have found some courage, some light to see how to ease the pain from its roots.

I think, I just think, I have grown mature in the recent events of my life. From that December night that we were at Moraville up to this very night, I seem to understand more my family. And this transcends to my many affairs now.

I used to have much insecurity, and believe me I still have some now, but part of me has found my foreground, a place that madalas kung balikan lately a place that says I am secured, that I am doing well. Madalas kung maisip noon, what if I fail in life, what if maging katulad ako ng mga kapatid ko, and come to think of it, I have. But, still for the better, I still would like think that I have become so much like them but I have kept the Buchuck in me, I have kept the person that they have loved, that has been the silent fighter, the one with the better thumb.

Hai, I’m just a bit elated tonight. For when times like this that life seems to come at an halt, that things mess up for us to pick up, we are given the chance to look back, and there realize how far we have gone.

Lakad. Lakad lang ng lakad.